RedJen's Rearview Mirror

If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments. - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

When all things are said and done, I'd like to be able to say that I have no regrets based on a fear of trying something new.

This song has been running through my head all day. It is one of my favorites and really expresses what I think true friendship is about.

You've Got A Friend
When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

-- Carole King

I have a new roommate. I picked her up in baggage claim on my way home from the airport, after flying back from Ohio. No one else may find it funny, but it makes me chuckle that I picked up my roommate at baggage claim. We’re in the process of doing the initial dance that happens when two people start sharing the same space. So far so good, all three of the cats have come out to say, “Hello” to her.

She loves the beach and is looking forward to taking day trips. This is a very good sign.

I miss writing for the sake of writing. This journal is a wonderful outlet for me, but it deals with much that is real. What I miss writing is more fanciful and lyrical. From my heart rather than my head. I feel drained and as a result, flights of fancy are not occurring of their own volition.

Well, time to sleep. I’ve found mild meditation before sleeping leads me to be able to retain some of the images from while I dream. Tonight, I hope they are restful.

Forward toward Nod
Bags packed, tickets ready
To slumber, to dream

There are people you can quietly chat with after a long day or week, then softy drift off to sleep. And there are some people you can just sit and talk with for hours and never run out of things to say.

Today, I’ll just be…

I think sometimes our body just knows when we need a break to step back and look at things. Yesterday, I started feeling drained at work. This morning, I woke up nauseous. I’ve spent practically the entire day in bed alternating between reading, contemplation, lying quietly and slipping into sleep.

A smile is easier to feel when unfettered by the clutter and the noise.

When you stop running and start to separate out the things that matter from the things that don’t, the silence can be deafening or freeing. Today I feel free.

House still here. Cats alive. Pictures to follow. Back to sleep.

I’m officially getting into the spirit of the season. Actually that isn’t true, I’ve started decorating for the season. The stockings are hung over the fireplace. The lights are in the living room window. The banisters are decorated with lights and tinsel. The fireplace works, although I really do need to arrange to get some wood if I’m going to use it with any regularity. My tree will be up and decorated within the next three days.

So here we are in December and Christmas is just around the corner. I absolutely love the decorations, buying presents for people I care about and getting to show people that I care about them in a slightly “flashy” manner with the safety of a holiday as an excuse. So why is it that I feel so hollow?

I guess it is good that I’m feeling something, even if it is an absence. Two weeks ago I couldn’t care less what was going on around me. There’s something to be said for not having anyone dependent on you. Without someone else forcing me to keep going, when I run out of reserves, the consequences of just falling apart don’t seem that bad. If I fall apart and there isn’t anyone else who will be hurt, why should I fight? It sounds pretty good when you’re completely worn out.

So where am I now? Well, I’m feeling again. I’m not about to jump up and down doing cartwheels, but falling apart doesn’t seem like such a good idea any longer. I made some more progress to get more unpacked today. Two more boxes have been emptied. The living room bookcases have been filled. The living room is now ready for the Christmas tree to go up.

I guess right now I’m trying to get my energy reserves back. My memory is shot and I have to write everything down in order to remember what is was that I had planned on doing. I have two separate notepads that I’m using, one for work and one for everything else. On the up side, I’ve been able to get things done the last two weeks. Getting satisfaction out of putting little x’s in boxes is kind of funny, but I’ll take my victories where I can find them right now.

Started 12/04/2003:
So it should come as no surprise that I’m fighting my way out of a depression. GK asked me the pointed question of whether or not there are any signs that I’m heading that direction. Sign number one appears to be that I’m emotionally drained. That one I had in spades. Unreasonable demands at work mean I’m not feeling effective there, so I’m frustrated and tired. The death of someone I love very much and her funeral left me with very few stores. While I was driving up to Ohio, I received a phone call from Iraq. I can handle people dealing with reality. What I can’t handle is someone convinced that we have a connection, but we’ve never had anything beyond a surface conversation. That is living in a complete fantasy world. It is flattering to be told that someone you care about just wanted to hear your voice, but it is a bit creepy to hear it from someone you barely know. This is one time I’m glad that specific person is not in the country. Yeah, I was rude, but I was on my way to a funeral driving on an interstate highway in a rainstorm.

Continued Today:
Today I had a slightly enlightened experience with the person who prescribes my anti-depressive medications. The way I understand it, he and GK are jointly responsible for working with me to find the best way to minimize the effect of depression on my life. The first time I saw this doctor, I was well on my way to getting out of depression. Well, this time I’m still working my way out of it and I didn’t know what to tell him, so I said so. I’m hoping he was having a bad day, because I wasn’t impressed with his bedside manner. I’m going to see GK tomorrow and I’m hoping that he’ll have a better answer for me than the one I got today.

I’m trying to figure out how memories manifest in other people. Are they snapshots? Are they movies? Are they interactive video games? Are they like instant replay? How are emotions tied to memory? Is it only half a memory if you can’t remember how you felt? What if you have a name for how it felt, but you can’t remember what that feeling actually felt like?

I ran across something interesting today while I was reading The New York Times online. In light of the current Pope’s failing health, I find myself interested in the speculation on who will wear the office of Pope once Pope John Paul II expires. There is an editorial today by Roberto Pazzi that caught my attention with the headline of Why the Next Pope Needs to be Italian. Keeping in mind that I was six the last two times we had a new Pope. There was shock when Pope John Paul I died after only 34 days as the Pontiff. I vaguely remember thinking that the Cardinals had probably barely gotten home from electing Albino Luciani, Pope John Paul I, only to have to turn around and go back to Rome.

Having never actually seen this happen, I can only tell you what I was taught as a child. When the Cardinals gather to elect a new Pope people in Rome keep watch for the smoke that comes from the chimney of Sistine Chapel. After each round of voting, the ballots are burned and preliminary tallies burn with black smoke. When the smoke from the burning ballets is white, a new Pope has been elected.

Aside: Don’t ask me how the smoke changes color; I just know that it does. It may be a miracle or it may be something that is burned with the ballots. To be honest, that isn’t something that really bugs me, so I’m going to accept that once a new Pope has been elected, white smoke comes from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel.

People under the grip of hormones don’t like to think clearly. They also don’t want to hear the real answers to the questions they ask. They will also grab any excuse to discredit answers they don’t like.

When faced with change and inconvenience, what was once claimed to be rock solid and enduring can go up in a puff of smoke.

It is in adversity that the content of one’s character is shown. And some people wonder why I refuse to get my hopes up by counting on the actions of others.

Two of my favorite people have been talking recently about things that deeply resonate with me. One has chosen to work to go beyond the situation of her family and refuses to be defined and held back by what it was assumed she would be. The other is dealing with how to balance the instinct to always help and fix things, regardless of personal cost and the frustration of not seeing a return on the work she puts in. Both can be generous to a fault and are learning to define boundaries that will allow them to live in an imperfect world.

Random thoughts from a cross continent conversation, during which time I have been doped up on NyQuil and decongestants. What follows is not themed and may make absolutely no sense at all.

Ever get in a mode where there is so much going on inside your head that you have trouble thinking coherently? I don’t seem to be in a downward cycle. Work is high stress, but really positive.

Yesterday, I again met with the same VP, my manager, his manager and the VP again pointed out what an amazing job I’d done earlier in the year. My manager’s manager wasn’t with us the first time it was said. Normally when something like this is said, I get nervous about being able to live up to people’s expectations. That isn’t happening in this case. I know exactly what I did to earn the praise and I know what it takes to delivery those types of results again. I have a plan for going forward from where I am and I’ve shared that with the people I need to support me in order to make it happen.

Work is squared away. The rest is up for debate. I need a keeper it seems, someone to double check the mail, make sure clothes get hung up and generally keep up with the little things that seem to pile up.

I was going to write more, but those little things that need doing, really need doing now...

It takes more than a lab coat to be a medical doctor. Any screwball can claim to be an expert, but that doesn't make their claims true. If you choose to take quizes written by people you don't know, have never met AND have questionable credentials, then use the results as tools to make you laugh or reflect. Just don't accept the results blindly. Their is a place for blind faith, but the internet is NOT that place.

• People’s bodies radiate heat.
• People exhale carbon dioxide as part of breathing.
• Global warming is the observed increase in the average temperature of the Earth's atmosphere and oceans in recent decades.

  Wikipedia: The increased amounts of carbon dioxide (CO2) and other greenhouse gases (GHGs) are the primary causes of the human-induced component of warming. They are released by the burning of fossil fuels, land clearing and agriculture, etc. and lead to an increase in the greenhouse effect. The first speculation that a greenhouse effect might occur was by the Swedish chemist Svante Arrhenius in 1897, although it did not become a topic of popular debate until some 90 years later.

• The world population is continuing to grow.
• More people means more body heat and carbon dioxide.
• Thus, just living and breathing contributes to global warming.