RedJen's Rearview Mirror

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

New licensing fees to be associated with grocery lists seen as an unfair tax on the absent minded. The ACLU is said to be investigating.

Microsoft patents 'to-do' list
David Becker
CNET News.com
June 09, 2004, 12:05 BST

The software giant now has certain rights to 'task lists' in software-development environments

Better not get too fancy with your grocery list, now that Microsoft has patented a glorified form of the to-do list.

US Patent No. 6,748,582, granted and assigned on Tuesday to Microsoft, covers the use of a "task list" in a software-development environment.

The patented technology essentially integrates certain comments left in the source code of an application under development with an accompanying checklist. Leave a "TODO" comment in the source code, and an authoring application automatically creates an item in the task list. Check an item off on the task list, and the corresponding source code comment is changed.

A Microsoft representative did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

While the new patent is specific enough to software development that vacationers penning "what to pack" lists don't have to worry, it fits with Microsoft's ongoing efforts to enlarge its patent portfolio.

The company embarked on a campaign last year to generate more revenue from its intellectual-property portfolio and has since applied for hundreds of patents. The company has received patents covering everything from seemingly elementary aspects of computing technology, such as double-clicking, to arcana such as XML-scripting methods.

The software giant's patent push seemed to reach comical proportions earlier this year, when the company was accidentally granted a plant patent for a variety of apple tree.

(Link to the original story)

* Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

* Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."

* His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."

* Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

* Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"

* At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

* Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

* Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

* On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to "Use a LIFELINE".

http://www.DateJesus.com/

Go read Forever is a mighy long time and I'll tell you why it made me laugh. Don't cheat, read forever first. It is short and trust me, it'll be worth the wait...

1. Law of Cat Inertia
   A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2. Law of Cat Motion
   A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3. Law of Cat Magnetism
   All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics
   Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5. Law of Cat Stretching
   A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6. Law of Cat Acceleration
   A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
7. Law of Dinner Table Attendance
   Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
8. Law of Cat Sleeping
   All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
9. Law of Cat Elongation
   A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.
10. Law of Cat Obstruction
    A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

11. Law of Rug Configuration
    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state when a cat is present.
12. Law of Obedience Resistance
    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
13. First Law of Energy Conservation
    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, they use as little energy as possible.
14. Second Law of Energy Conservation
    Cats know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
15. Law of Refrigerator Observation
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
16. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
17. Law of Random Comfort Seeking
    A cat will always seek the most comfortable spot in any given room.
18. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

19. Law of Furniture Replacement
    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
20. Law of Cat Embarrassment
    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
21. Law of Milk Consumption
    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
22. Law of Cat Landing
    A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
23. Law of Cat Disinterest
    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him or her.
24. Law of Cat Composition
    A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

1. Your potted plants are still alive. Check
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. Check
3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. Check
4. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. Nope
5. You carry an umbrella... because you watch the Weather Channel. Check
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of 'hook-up' and 'break-up'. Check
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. Check
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". Check
9. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. Nope
10. You no longer know what time Taco Bell closes. Nope
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. Check (shudder)
12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. Check
13. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds. Check, but I never fed the pets McD�s
14. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. Check
15. You no longer take naps from noon to 3pm. Check
16. The thought of having sex in a twin-sized bed is an absurd notion. Check
17. 'Dinner and a movie' are the WHOLE date, instead of the beginning of one. Check
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. Check
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. Check
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. Check
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Check
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's. Check
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much ever again." Check
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. Check
25. You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar. Check

Sometimes you find the truth where you least expect it.

Sometimes you just have to give yourself a hug.

On an Impala: VLAD THE

• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
• If at first you don't succeed -- try a career in management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Never quit until you have another job.
• Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
• Go the extra mile -- It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
• Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
• There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.

You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.

You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

You've heard of 3.2% beer.

Schools close for the state basketball tournament.

You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.

You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."

You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.

You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, and Tuscarawas

You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.

You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.

You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.

Vacation means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.

Down south to you means Kentucky.

You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Ohio.

More "You Know You're From... When..."

I wish I could honestly say that I've never done this before, but I'd be lying if I did. Last weekend I was reading my email and came across a freecycle listing for moving boxes. (If you don't know what freecycle is, you can check it out at http://www.freecycle.org/.) The offer caught my eye because Eve is moving out next weekend and we threw the ratty boxes she moved in with away. After a few email exchanges with Chris, she invited me to come by her house and take as many boxes as I'd like. Armed with her address and directions from MapQuest, I set out in search of boxes. I made it to Chris' house without any trouble and found two rugrats (children) playing in the yard. Apparently someone has been teaching these two well, because as soon as I pulled up, they ran for the house and yelled for their mom. Once the boxes were safely in my trunk, I waved goodbye and drove off.

Rather than heading home, I opted for a surprise visit with Dragonfly, since I was about 5 minutes from her house. We had good hangout time and cheep Chinese food before it was time to actually go home for the evening. As I was leaving, I realized that I couldn't find my cell phone, but I was unable to remember if I had brought it with me when I left the house. After making sure it wasn't at Dragonfly's house, I figured if I had lost it, there were only two possible locations where it could be. After I got home, I used my home phone to play Marco Polo with my cell phone (I called the cell phone and tried to listen to the ring), but it was not at my house or in my car. I turned on my computer to send Chris email and see if I had dropped the phone at her house, but before I could write her, I found an email telling me that I�d done just that. Well, the email said I'd dropped the phone in their driveway and that it looked like it'd proceeded to run it over with the car.

Anyway, apparently if you admit to the people who sell the cell phones that you've run over yours with a car, they start pulling out the phones with rubber bumpers on them. If only one person had done this, I'd chalk it up to being a wise-guy, but since it happened to me twice in two days, I have to think that it may be in the training manual.

The reason I love the guys at the Sprint PCS Store is that even though I had run over the phone, they were able to save the address book from my old phone and transfer it safely to my new phone. So yes, my new phone has rubber bumpers. I was informed that while it should withstand being dropped on the floor, it would not hold up against a car running over it.

The score after round two: Cars 2 - Phones 0

Watch your dog!

The State Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis through-out the city. They are falling in great numbers. Police in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs - KEEP THEM INDOORS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!

Jim Davis must have been trapped in a North Carolina blizzard.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed.
{A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Okay, I've seen this claiming to be from Robin Williams, it isn't, but he is quoted at the end of the email. What I find funny about this list is that I pretty much wrote a paper on this exact subject for a World Economics class while in college. Apparently my thought process was quite a few years ahead of the internet, but this did make me laugh. - RedJen

The Robin William's plan:
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.

1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys'. We will never "interfere" again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes and they get a "D", then it's back home baby.

6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere," They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....LEARN IT.....or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin Williams

Top 11 worst holiday gifts for an IT pro:
(from Network Computing)

11) Book: Maintaining Your 10Base-5 Network
10) 2,500 PCs that must be configured by Dec.26
9) T-shift that says, “Sure, I’ll fix your computer!”
8) Miner’s hat with light – for navigating carpal tunnel
7) DVD containing every single “Can you hear me now?” commercial
6) Network upgrade that can only be done over the holidays
5) USB-powered clip-on tie
4) Another brainless middle manager
3) Aftershave: “Essence of Smoked Hard Drive”
2) Dance lessons
1) One more Microsoft Windows patch

Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy".

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like (alt.recreational.catnip).

7. www.FelineHotties.com is now your web browser home page.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange "territorial scent" to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser999999999.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

I've really been in a meeting where this was considered to actually make sense.

Today I noticed that the page also has links directly to "Use the Google Interface in Your Language"

While there are over 110 languages available, these highly specialized ones caught my eye:

• Bork, bork, bork! - http://www.google.com/intl/xx-bork/
• Elmer Fudd - http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/
• Hacker - http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/
• Pig Latin - http://www.google.com/intl/xx-piglatin/

As a side note - This entry is also the 1000th of RedJen's Musings

I've found another blog to entertain me. Scott Adams of Dilbert has The Dilbert Blog

This one made me laugh out loud today -> Spotting Trends

Someone reading my blog?

While a lot of people probably won't find this as funny as I did, it made me chuckle, then I had to explain what a MMORPG was...