RedJen's Rearview Mirror

There’s just something about skirting things within the letter of the law. Take yesterday’s picture for instance. It is not saved on anyone else’s website (yet) and specifically not the person who took the picture’s site. It was not delivered to anyone via email (yet). To top things off, I was very nice and did a HUGE crop job on the picture. Let’s remember just how nice that was, because I have the equivalent of the negatives of this and the other pictures.

With praise like this, is it any wonder I look forward to going home?

We were supposed to go into pilot at noon, only the people who were supposed to verify the Beta fixes couldn't be bothered to do that. I waited until 5:15, then decided I was tired of waiting and went to play volleyball.

Yep, boring and lacking in much time to do any musing worth reporting.

You know I was having a really nice day and feeling pretty good. I got some great feedback at work about the project I’ve put so much time into this year. I presented the tools I’ve developed to a group that is supposed to be a royal pain in the ass, only they were really positive and commented on how much they liked the way I had designed the tools. So far the users love to tools, they actually make part of their jobs easier and save them time. I have ONE open problem report and it is for an unsupported software platform.

I had a great workout at the gym. I WAS enjoying a quiet evening surfing the Internet, THEN I logged on to check my work email and found an email from my boss.

The tools have been out in production since Wednesday. We just haven’t told all the users about it yet, so it hasn’t had a bunch of uninformed and clueless users asking stupid questions. It’s called a controlled deployment.

The guy on my team who is responsible for making sure that our customers know what we are doing and we know what our customers need, sent our boss an email saying, "The net of this is that the code is in production and will be ready to be utilized on Monday. "

Go back and read that last sentence again, it’ll be important real soon.

I was planning on driving up to Virginia this weekend to visit on of the Bengal breeders, but I don’t think that’s going to happen now. Hey look, there’s something else I was looking forward to that now feels hollow. I’m trying to assume that my boss just doesn’t really read anything and that he isn’t a spiteful ass, but I’m not having a lot of luck with that right now.

I guess when it comes down to it, I just feel hollow. The thing is, I was feeling great yesterday (until about 10 PM). Not crazy out of control great, but happy with the effort I had put forth, happy with the results I was getting and generally more positive about work. Then "along comes Mary…" (Music reference circa 1965, Along Comes Mary, by the Association.)

So apparently I am now responsible for not only writing tools, I also have to do the job of the tool owners. We missed the ship date, because I didn’t push the send button. The button was there ALL day. I was under the impression that I wasn’t the one who was supposed to push the button. Is it my fault that no one else pushed the button? Is it the button’s fault for not pushing itself? Wait, the button used to push itself and they made me make it STOP.

Why did we miss the ship date? Well, we missed the ship date because once again this set of owners didn’t use what they had. I’m getting sick of people who scream that they need something, but once they have it don’t bother to use it.

Would someone please remove the "Kick Me" sign from my back? I'm black-and-blue all over. My bruises are getting bruises.

(Don’t panic, I haven’t resigned, I’m just feeling that way.)

I’m still not happy. As you may have guessed, I did get a response back after asking how code in production a day early equals three days late. I’ve decided not to respond to the latest bit of news via email, so I’ll be talking to the cause of my frustration early tomorrow morning. I don’t know if it will do any good or not, but I figure as far as this immediate situation is concerned, it is the only thing I can do.

I really think I want to talk to someone else at work about things, but I’m not sure how to go about it. I’m a little concerned that if I do, it will be viewed as mutiny and make me a bigger target. This definitely seems like a case of CYA (cover your ass). Apparently my ass has gotten way too big and I’ve really got to start exercising more, because I just can’t seem to get it covered.

I’m going to try and put this out of my mind for a while. I’ve made a list of things I need to get from the store so I can do some work out in the yard today. I’m still not going to mow the lawn. I firmly believe that lawns should not be mown during the wintertime. So far I’ve gotten away with this theory and in a few weeks it will have lasted the test of one season. Hopefully some time out in the sunshine will do me some good…

Okay, so here’s my latest question: If I was supposed to make sure everything got sent out to the users, why did they make undo the automation? I have no intention of babysitting the servers as they send email. The servers are perfectly capable of doing that on their own.

I have no intention of going through and checking 30k records to ensure that they are associated correctly. If the stupid users can’t fill out their own records, I’m not interested in preventing them from getting an annoying piece of email.

See the tool owners didn’t like the tool to just send mail without having someone look to make sure it was going to the right people. Of course the tool owners haven’t done jack shit as far as I can see. The only things they were responsible for were:

1. Writing the text to tell their customers what the tool was and what they as users were expected to do (Strike One),
2. Write up the help documentation (Strike two)
3. Find someone on their team to do the data administration, this is also known as pushing the button (strike three).

So now I’ve coded that piece twice AND I’ve won the door prize. Plus if they’d let me leave the code the way it was, all this would be moot, as the users would have gotten email last week when the servers sent it.

The sooner you start on a new project, the sooner you'll realize that you know precisely what you're doing. You need that kind of confidence..

Although the foe threw everything except the kitchen sink at us, we have successfully sent out the first set of notifications. I no get longer to hear about how we are getting further beyond our deadline, because they won’t push the button.

These people are trying to drive me nuts. It doesn’t matter which ID we use to send the mail from. Bottom line, it just has to be sent. There is no reason to discuss for half an hour which of two IDs it should come from. Just make a damn decision and get on with it.

On a positive note, while I had to work until 9:30 tonight in order to wait for them to make up their minds, today was my night off from the gym and my volleyball game was cancelled, so I didn’t miss anything other than Tuesday night television.

If you are a Zanuc victim and want to take your domain name back, contact technical support at http://www.eNom.com, they are the registrar that Zanuc is contracted with as a reseller. The support person at eNom was very helpful and after being unable to contact Zanuc, they gave me access to the listing for my domain so that I could update it myself.

(Why work sucks)
What follows, while not being the actual discussion that took place last night while I was stuck at work until almost 10:00 PM, makes about as much sense as the real reason. This is why work doesn't make sense to me.

(We fade into a dreamscape flashback...)

I saw something I found very funny today. While at work, I went with a friend to refill my water bottle. Since she wanted to get a cola, we went to the break room that has the snack machine and the Pepsi & Coke machines. While I was filling up my water bottle, the snack machine did that half-turn where it almost drops your snack, but doesn’t. The guy who had paid for it tried to shake the machine to get it to fall, only he couldn’t budge the machine. Granted none of them were body builders, but it ended up taking three guys to rock the machine enough to get the candy to fall. So now you’re asking yourself what’s funny about that, right? Yesterday I shook the same machine myself.

Now where’s my cape, I think someone needs saving…

Two of my favorite people have been talking recently about things that deeply resonate with me. One has chosen to work to go beyond the situation of her family and refuses to be defined and held back by what it was assumed she would be. The other is dealing with how to balance the instinct to always help and fix things, regardless of personal cost and the frustration of not seeing a return on the work she puts in. Both can be generous to a fault and are learning to define boundaries that will allow them to live in an imperfect world.

When control is missing, common sense a trait unseen and logic has been thrown out the window…

Wild (Poe)
I go wild 'cause you break me open
Wild 'cause you left me here
I go wild 'cause your promises are broken

Wild because the chips are down
Wild because there isn't anybody else around
Wild when the waves start to break
And God knows they're breaking in me now

I go wild because it doesn't make sense
For me to cry out in my own defense
And wild because I would do anything
To tear you off your precious fence

So this is what it's like living in limbo
First I'm high then I'm so low

I've taken a hard look at a few things and while not abandoned, the kitten plan is on hold. While I would LOVE to just go and add them to the house, that wouldn't be responsible at this point. Sometimes I really wish I could forget about this whole adult thing. Anyway, I really want the kittens, so I'm going to make the event of bringing them home contingent upon reaching a debt-minimizing goal. I can't really justify spending that much money on kittens when I have outstanding debt. Time to practice what I've thought. Designer pets are a luxury and right now I don't need another luxury item added to my bills. So much for instant gratification…

Today someone told me I was being really quiet. I just smiled a smile that didn't reach my eyes. I'm assuming they noticed, since they asked if everything was okay.

I'm trying to learn to balance the need to be in control at work with the need to stop keeping all my feelings inside. At home or with friends it is a lot easier to trust that I'm allowed to be human. At work I have a boss who thinks I get emotional over things that I don't care a bit about and pretty much doesn't want to hear my opinion ever.

I've pretty much stopped trying to pretend I'm okay when I'm not and I have a bit of trust for the person who asked, so I honestly answered, "no". The thing is, there isn't anything this person could do to make me any closer to okay, that is completely between me and someone else.

I've arranged to take tomorrow off from work. Not that it will give me much time to myself since I have a dentist appointment, a doctor's appointment and I need to get my oil changed, but I won't be in the office and since the source of my angst will be out on Thursday, I'll have two days free from that stressor.

It's ironic to me that when I supposedly missed a ship date, that I got 3 paragraphs detailing how I screwed up. When it came out that I had actually delivered everything on time and the owner had chosen to hold off until the following workday to deploy the function, the only thing I heard was, "I'm not going to spin this, we're just going to eat the negative press." Of course, we translated to you, meaning me. We just had another large deliverable go out yesterday and today we got an email from the same person that had two sentences. Those two sentences said you guys worked hard, but this is only the beginning on making the process work in the long term.

To me that's a backhanded slap disguised as praise. As we went through the post-mortem on the last delivery, my boss said, "We made progress, but it isn't going to get any easier soon and I’ve bought stock in Pharmaceuticals just in case." I know I'm being sensitive at this point, but that comment was WAY out of line.

The fact is that as a result of the BS that has been going on around here, we've all had to make adjustments. Of course now that we've managed to do "good" once, we can't screw up or we’ll be back at the bottom of the hill to catch all that rolls down it. Oh wait, we're still at the bottom of the hill. To make things easier to go forward, the team is being thrown into complete flux. We get to keep three real developers and a contractor. We're loosing two developers and gaining one, but how soon the new one will be able to make any contribution is unknown. If his last transition is anything to go by, check back in July.

Enough for now, I'm going to go take my angst out on a defenseless volleyball.

Game One: Lost (17-25)
Game Two: Won (25-15)
Game Three: Won (25-19)

Other things I discovered: I can do the splits and still stand back up.

For those who have had the experience of riding in my car lately:

I bought my car a new battery and an oil change for Saint Patrick's Day and it is much happier now.

For my mom:

I went to the dentist today and "Look ma, no cavities!"

StrongBad "Easter Egg":

Not the 100th email

March madness is upon us. We’ll see if I’ll be able to repeat picking the tournament winner again this year. Last year, I was trailing badly in all the bracket pools until the last round when Syracuse kept on winning. To be honest, if they hadn't won, I would have been near the bottom of the pools, but ended up winning the two I entered. For one I got a free Sprite and the other was worth bragging rights. This year I’ve picked Texas to win it all and face Kentucky in the final.

So this week, my accomplishments amount to helping a friend make his journal appear to be at a different web address and not seeing my boss for three days straight. I cheated and took Wednesday off when I heard he was going to be out on Thursday. It would appear that his shoot first (at your own people) and ask no questions ever was aimed in directions other than mine today.

I really don’t get this guy. All I hear from him is negative. I found out today that people have been amazed at how few support questions were generated by the application I wrote. To put it into perspective, over 5,000 brand new users, poor instructions were sent to the users and there have only been about 150 requests for help in two weeks time. The application that it replaced received about 150 help requests a day. Granted I didn’t hear this from my manager, he didn’t pass any of that on, I had to hear it by accident. I’d think that would be good news that should be shared, but we wouldn’t want me to get a swelled head or think I was doing anything right.

1. "I could have sworn I heard the can opener."

2. "Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?"

3. "Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?"

4. "I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?"

5. "Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?"

6. "This looks like a good spot for a nap."

7. "Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener."

8. "Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?"

9. "If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?"

10. "If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!"

The days are getting longer. The sun peeks out more often from behind the clouds. The air smells earthy. Green leaves push their way past the surface of the earth to greet the sun. Trees are blooming. The pastel colors of spring are all around.

I have always seen daffodils as being a sign of the arrival of spring. My mother had a small patch of daffodils near the base of our driveway that would bloom each spring. They were be a bright patch of yellow that drew your eye as you came around the house and became officially "home". They would not last late into the season, but always seemed able to hold onto the idea of growth and sunshine until the other flowers could awaken. It was almost as if the daffodil were the first to realize that it was time to get up and help the sun to chase off winter’s chill. With their bright yellow faces, each daffodil became a miniature sun set firm in the earth and holding back the chill of winter so the other less adventurous flowers could join them.

Zuma - Try not to get dizzy...

I’ve learned some disturbing things recently. One thing that has been confirmed is that I’m not crazy and my current boss has a pattern of targeting people to be replaced. That definitely comes as good news/bad news information. The good news is that I’m not imagining things and the bad news is that I appear to be a target.

This probably won’t be a happy place for a while. Forget target, the first shot has been fired and it is time to fight back.

War is hell and I intend to win this one. Excuse me, I need to go see an Angry Black Man about something…

The light of day has shown some of the drama to be a scare tactic. The way things were presented to me (and to certain people who care about how I'm being treated) are not how things are in reality. We've gone from step 1 (steal underpants) to step 3 (cause drama) and skipped a whole lot in between.

Before I was determined.

Now, I'm pissed

It’s going to take more than a single clue fairy to knock some sense into the head of the person who thinks I get too emotional at work. It has been supposed that he may just be completely baffled by me and that makes him uncomfortable. Given that he is so far off base about most of what he’s said, I tend to agree with that insightful observation. It explains a lot.

How many Clue Fairies does it take to wield a two-by-four?

I like lists. I don’t always write them down, but I’ll file things away for later. I make lists of things I need at the store, music, movies and books I’d like to acquire, things I need to do around the house, things to write about, people I need to call, cards I need to send, birthdays coming up… I’m guessing you get the point.

There’s been a topic that has been on my list to delve into for a while. I’ve been tempted a few times to try and write about it, but each time I’ve found myself discussing something else. It isn’t like I’m uncertain about this topic, in fact I’m quite certain that it plays a huge role in my life. (Can you see me hedging again here?)

Maybe I just need to rush though and write it down. The thing is no matter how long it takes me to do this, it isn’t going to be easy. So let me try and sneak up on it.

Most of the time, people do things for a reason. You may not know why, but there is a reason all the same. I have a friend who is hyper-vigilant. It isn’t by choice that their senses stay on high alert. In fact, not only is there a good reason for this autonomic response, there is little doubt that it has saved their life. So there I go, getting off subject again…

Whether it is because I think too much or spend too much time living in my head, most things come down to a common theme. I over prepare for just about everything and try to plan for every contingency. Add that to being an over achiever and perfectionist. Actually admitting that I can’t control all the important pieces in my world was really hard to me to acknowledge. My goal in all of this is to stack the deck in my favor for any situation, so I don’t have to face failure.

...not the job for me. Love my parents and I'm more than happy to help them out with anything, but blindly directing on OS install/upgrade/driver search and install is not my idea of fun.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Excerpts from Real Science Papers Written by Kids

* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

* You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

* While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

I had a very good meeting with my boss’ boss. I have the impression that she really heard me and is not taking my issues lightly. I’m feeling a lot more positive, one of the things she did was remind me of a few things I can use to try and communicate. I’m falling asleep on my keyboard, so I’m going to sleep.