RedJen's Rearview Mirror

If you end a year in the same manner as it began, then I will be surrounded by close friends and I can’t think of anything better.

Seven years ago today, Omega and I arrived in North Carolina from Ohio.

In 1997…
…Everything I moved fit into the backs of a Jeep Comanche and a Jimmy.
…I lived alone for the first time in my life.
…I started my “career” as a software engineer.
…In 1997, I paid more in income taxes than I grossed in 1996. (What a difference a degree made.)
…I discovered the magic of the ocean.
…I bought my first car. (Bought being the operative word.)
…I adopted Brewster and Neko.
…I started paying my student loans.
…I started digging my way out of the credit card hole I created in college.
…I rented a car for the first time. We drove it to Colorado over Thanksgiving.

In 2003…
…I hired movers. Since 1997, I had acquired 2 bedroom suites, a living room suite, dining room suite, a set of bookcases, 2 TVs, a kitchen full of stuff and an entertainment center.
…I finished paying for my car.
…I paid off the last of my credit card debt from college.
…I bought my first house (and lawn mower).
…I continued paying on the student loans, although they should be more than halfway paid for at this point.
…I have been a software engineer for 7 years.
…I have lived in Raleigh, NC longer than I lived in Columbus, OH.
…I started blogging in February.
…I started www.redjenosu.com.

[Name]: Jennifer
[Born in]: Bucyrus, OH
[Resides in]: Raleigh, NC
[Good student?]: Yes
[Hair]: Red
[Shoe size]: 8.5 - 9

Last time you..
[Had a nightmare]: I don’t remember my dreams, but I had one when I was 5
[Said "I love you" and meant it]: Outside of family/friend relationships: 1999
[Ate at McDonald's]: December 26th
[Dyed your hair]: December 5th
[Brushed your hair]: this afternoon
[Washed your hair]: this afternoon
[Cried]: thinking about Brewster today
[Called someone]: this afternoon
[Smiled]: this evening
[Laughed]: this evening
[Talked to an ex]: about 6 months

It is sometimes hard to remember making the transition from “child” to “adult” with my parents. When I went off to college, I starting being fairly separate from my parents. We’d talk on the phone and they’d come get me for the occasional weekend at home, but if a day went by without talking to my parents, no one freaked out. I remember one summer after being away at school for nine months, my dad trying to say that if I didn’t leave the house to go out before 9 pm, that I shouldn’t go out at all. That was extent of our sparing. For the record, I told him that regardless of when I left the house, I would get home at about the same time, so 9 pm or 10 pm didn’t really matter. While I lived at home, I respected their lifestyle and home. Living at home meant that either I went to church on Saturday evening or regardless of when I got home on Saturday night (err Sunday morning), I would be going to church Sunday morning.

So where is this coming from? Well, I have friends who are going through this fledgling stage with their parents. Seeing them makes me grateful for the lack of drama I had to go through. When you are a parent, you are a parent for life, both yours and theirs. But there comes a time when you have to trust yourself enough to let your child go and let them sink or swim on their own. This doesn’t make you a bad parent and it can’t be an easy thing to do, but until you let your children be adults, they won’t grow into the people they can be. As the parent, you have about 18 years to make your mark and build the foundation of your child’s character. This doesn’t mean that after they turn 18 you stop being important or influential, but at that point the world in general will expect your child to be able to stand on their own two feet and answer for their actions. At that point the world stops writing notes saying, “Johnny isn’t paying attention in class. Please come in for a parent teacher conference.” Yes, you are the parent, but at that point you are not the one expected to take corrective action.

... and Congrats to you and Tiffany!

I had a wonderful realization today.

There are way too many people whose job it is to see that I work myself to death, I’ll call these people Them. We are currently negotiating how much work we will be expected to deliver by the end of January. The problem that we keep hitting is that the people writing our requirements (Them) are going to “die” unless we deliver all their requirements by the 31st of January. Our issue is that my team isn’t willing to work 80 hours a week to keep Them from dying. It comes down to the fact that we have 20 weeks worth of resources that can be used, but they’ll die without 30 weeks worth of requirements.

Add to their 30 hours worth of work, we also have about 10 hours worth of infrastructure work that we have to do or we won’t be able to continue support the tools in the future. So we have 40 hours of work that someone absolutely has to have or people will “die” for it being missing and we only have half that much time available in which to get actually do the work.

So the first thing we had to do was convince Them that without the infrastructure the things they wanted couldn’t be built. It was like going to build a house, but rather than laying the foundation first, they tried to insist that trim on the roof to be finished first. Hello, there are things we need before we get to the trim. It may be nice to know how big the building is going to be or what shape it is supposed to be when finished. Of course, to Them, we should just do the trim and worry about the rest later. Too bad we don’t want to redo the roof later because they won’t make up their mind on the unimportant things.

The full moon on a clear night gives off a lot of light. There is something wondrous to be able to sit in a moonbeam and gaze up at the sky.

Looks like Scooter (the golf cart driving officer) has moved from downtown Raleigh to Duke campus and the RDU airport. Police on Duke’s campus have been seen riding Segways. At RDU, officers are a little more low-tech on their traditional scooters.

I can understand using something in the airport, although apparently part of the reason for the scooters there is to give the appearance of more police than are actually present. Wonderful, we’re in a raised alert status and they are finding ways to keep the shift counts low.

What happened to the bike cops on campus? I sure hope no one catches a cop riding a Segway and eating a donut…

I’ve been craving home cooked food lately, Grandma’s noodles, which I (and everyone I know with the exception of one person) love and white bean soup. The noodles make sense, Grandma has made them for as long as I can remember and I’ve been planning to try making them since I was up in Ohio last month. Grandma always makes noodles for holidays and since I missed her Christmas gathering, I missed the noodles. The bean soup is another thing entirely. It isn’t something I ever craved, but with the weather getting cold, it has been on my mind.

Grandma’s noodles:
Score! This won’t mean much to anyone outside of my family, but I made Grandma’s noodles today and they turned out right! The only thing that needs worked on is I didn’t cut them quite as small, so the next time I’ll make them thinner and shorter.

Mom’s bean soup:
The jury is still out on this one as it is a work in progress. I’m playing this one by ear, but it looks right so far. Using the package the raw beans came in, I’m guessing about how long I’m supposed to soak the beans to soften them. I’m also guessing at the other ingredients, but the kitchen smells right so far. Of course when I finish the soup, I’ll be ruining it by putting catsup in it. That’s not my fault, I get it from my dad and considering some of the odd food combinations my parents eat, putting catsup in my bean soup doesn’t seem too bad.

I really have no idea why I like bean soup the way my Mom makes it. Now I just have to puzzle out the sloppy joes she used to make, rivvel soup, stuffed peppers and chicken sandwiches (kind of like sloppy joes with chicken in cream instead of tomato).

[As a side note: the soup tuned out right.]

The New York Times has an interesting article today about the concept of blogging. Check it out:
My So-Called Blog

I ran across something interesting today while I was reading The New York Times online. In light of the current Pope’s failing health, I find myself interested in the speculation on who will wear the office of Pope once Pope John Paul II expires. There is an editorial today by Roberto Pazzi that caught my attention with the headline of Why the Next Pope Needs to be Italian. Keeping in mind that I was six the last two times we had a new Pope. There was shock when Pope John Paul I died after only 34 days as the Pontiff. I vaguely remember thinking that the Cardinals had probably barely gotten home from electing Albino Luciani, Pope John Paul I, only to have to turn around and go back to Rome.

Having never actually seen this happen, I can only tell you what I was taught as a child. When the Cardinals gather to elect a new Pope people in Rome keep watch for the smoke that comes from the chimney of Sistine Chapel. After each round of voting, the ballots are burned and preliminary tallies burn with black smoke. When the smoke from the burning ballets is white, a new Pope has been elected.

Aside: Don’t ask me how the smoke changes color; I just know that it does. It may be a miracle or it may be something that is burned with the ballots. To be honest, that isn’t something that really bugs me, so I’m going to accept that once a new Pope has been elected, white smoke comes from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel.

This meme came to an end while I was dealing with stuff. I didn't complete the last four weeks when they were originally published. I really liked this meme, so here I go getting caught back up, although once I'm caught up, there isn't anywhere to go with this one...

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.50 from 12/15/2003
1. What in your life used to be fun, but eventually just became a chore that you didn't enjoy?
I had a roommate in college that was a complete blast to hang out with. She was pretty, knew a lot of people and nothing around her was ever boring. She lived in a constant state of drama. She was a true drama queen. Going out with her was fun at first, but the more we went out together, the more I got tired of taking care of her later when she was too drunk or hung over the next day. It got to the point that I loathed going out with her. This was a serious case of when is it my turn to have someone watch my back that never happened.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.51 from 12/22/2003
1. Have you ever had a dream so real, that inside the dream you had to fight to wake yourself up? Do you remember the dream?
I have no idea. I have woken up in a panic state, but I don?t remember my dreams.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.52 from 12/29/2003
1. So, what did you get for Christmas? In order of reception: ornaments for my tree, saffron, a cool dressing curette, wine, a cast-iron Dutch oven, a plane ticket, a candle, a necklace, an awesome candle holder in the shape of a cat, a Kermit DVD, a calendar, a cookbook, an OSU birdhouse, an OSU football ornament, a pen, ?Home Sweet Home? & ?Welcome Friends? plaques

PromoGuy's Final Monday Mission 4.0 from 01/04/2003
1. In the last week, what happened that made you feel loved beyond your wildest dreams?
Do people really feel that way on a weekly basis? Feeling loved beyond my wildest dreams is something so rare that it is cherished.

A Dozen Little Known WINDOWS 2000 ERROR MESSAGES
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
6. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
8. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
9. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
10. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
11. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
12. User Error: Replace user.

... I may have to use this as a template for a lost pet flyer:

The picture is from Sluggy Freelance, a internet comic that I highly recommend. Click on the image itself to see the full comic from that day.

Hi, my name is RedJen and I have a passive aggressive manager. Unless there is a wider plot, he’s playing head games with more than just me. At first I thought it was just with the females of the group, but it looks like it is anyone here prior to his arrival is a target.

Favorite saying: “I don’t want anyone here, who doesn’t want to be here.”

He’s a very capable manager, especially when in a crisis situation, although I wonder if he ever gets out of crisis mode. He is also a “clock nazi”, meaning he is big on being in the office from 9 until 5:30 every day. I can understand wanting to make sure work is being done, but I have to wonder how effective that policy will be with this group. We tend to take our work home with us and work in the evenings or when the inspiration strikes us. If he’s going to insist on the 9 to 5:30 schedule, I have a feeling he’s going to lose a lot of work that people were doing, just out of spite.

He likes to infer a lot of things without actually having to say them, which drives me NUTS! Times like these the idea of moving to a remote location starts to sound like a good thing. The problem is that I’m rather fond of regular showers and hot water.

I found out tonight that my grandma cheats when she makes her noodles! I’m not going to give away her cheat, but I couldn’t believe it when she told me. I’d also like to say I find it unfair to list ingredients for a recipe without including a set of base measurements.

We have a deadline of 1/31 that our “customers” were refusing to either lessen the workload or push out the deadline. We never agreed to do the work on their timetable. As of Thursday, they still hadn’t closed on a plan for January. We figured out that if we got an extra person, refused to attend meetings AND worked 30% overtime, we would only be two weeks late for what they want us to do. I don’t know about anyone else on my team, but I can’t code for 10 hours straight 5 days a week for 3 weeks. I won’t even be walking at that point.

I was reminded last night that there has been a rather consistent theme to my work frustration. The common theme is people not delivering on their commitments. Because I have such an issue with being able to deliver what I’ve promised, it is amazing that I ever agree to depend on other people to meet my deadlines. Well, the 1/31 deadline is highly dependant on other people delivering information quickly and I’m not the only one nervous that quickly will be days instead of minutes. We’ve been asked to put ourselves on the line and burnout but we have no sense that anyone else is going to put forth any effort to make the deadline. Really makes you want to work yourself to death, when no one else is going to be held accountable.

This is no time to indulge in complaining. Valid objections have their place. Raise them to the right people.

(For anyone wondering why I don't put out the horoscopes for any other sign, I'm only sent my sign.)

Ever wonder what geeks do when their brains start to burn out? Luckily Drix challenged me to see who could club a penguin the farthest.

I started writing up something I had been planning on posting for a while, but I got distracted. I’m looking into getting a new kitten (or two), but this time I may actually purchase them rather than trying to get lucky and just finding great pets.

Ever since I started keeping this journal, you’ve been able to read about things that I am becoming aware of and addressing for myself. At times, I have been afraid to put things here that may be hard for you to read, because I was afraid that you would be hurt by what I had to say. I've still said them, but I hope in a way that hasn't seemed hurtful to you. I have worked very hard to be honest with myself, even when I’m afraid of the truth. The majority of what I’ve addressed about myself personally are things that I have identified as needing change. I have made a conscious decision to dig into my personality and get to know myself in order to better understand and relate to the world around me.

You’ve known me my entire life, so you know that I address projects in a manner that seems logical to me. It should come as no surprise that I decided to start at the beginning and work my way forward in a project of this size. The biggest source of confusion for me has been my emotions and self-image.

The thing that I have been lax in addressing is how much I love and admire you.

You created a nuclear family for your children. Few people are blessed to grow up in such an environment.

You live your beliefs. It is so easy say, “I believe” something, it is something else entirely to stop talking and just model what you believe for your children. There are a lot of values that have lost importance within society, that I learned are important from you.

Honesty
Integrity – the value of keeping your word and acting in a way that is in sync with your values
Responsibility – for every action we choose to take, there is a reaction that we are responsible for creating.
Gratitude – for the freedoms we live with.
Respect – my rights end where yours begin.
Honor – the right thing is still the right thing, even when it is hard or unpopular.
Humility – there are a lot of people on this world. Every individual has a unique set of gifts and there will always be someone who is better at something.
Awareness – that there are places in the world where people do no enjoy the freedoms and resources that are so easy for us to take for granted.

The core set of values that you live by, and model for us, are above and beyond what is socially acceptable. In a world where it is deemed okay to be self-centered and ignore the effect your actions have on other people, you have chosen to remain true to your values. The strength of character you show is incredible and I admire you for that.

I recently asked you who I am to you. To me, you are the foundation on which my character was built. I hope that if I am ever blessed with children of my own that I can be half the parent that either of you are to me.

I love you.

Your daughter,
Jen

Enough tweaking for one day, I think I'm going to read a book for a while and hope that the power doesn't go out.

-RJ

"It's an odd thing, the whirly-gigs of the mind. When they start to spin, we tend to identify with the arising thoughts and feelings as our own. If the whirly-gig of the mind happens to spin in a pleasant manner, and pleasant thoughts arise, we embrace it. We say we are happy or content. If, however, the whirly-gig of our mind spins in an unpleasant direction, and we are besieged by unpleasant thoughts and feelings, we are repulsed. We say we are upset.

Most of us experience the oscillation between the two extremes of grasping (for what we want) and avoiding (what we don't want) on a daily basis. The whirly-gig of mind is always spinning because that is its nature. In other words, it is always moving. Thoughts and feelings are always arising from this movement of the mind. And thousands of years ago, ancient sages throughout the world discovered that the source of the mind's movement was the flow of subtle energies within our bodies. Tibetans call this lung (or the winds). Yogis call it prana, and Taoists call it chi.

Each of these alchemical systems has, in their own way, mapped out the subtle pathways responsible for the experience of thought and emotion. They describe these movements of subtle energy quite clearly and have developed means to alter their flow. The result is an inner technology that directly affects the mind and its creations (thoughts and feelings)."

- Tom Kenyon

Embracing the Shadow

I hope, here, to give you a quick and easy way to integrate shadow material into your conscious self through something called the Self-Integrating Process. The reasons to do such a thing are multi-faceted. For one, it allows you to avoid the snare of polarization within yourself (wherein you fight battles with yourself). For another, it removes you from the collective wave of Spiritual Fascism (a very good thing, indeed). Thirdly, it actually increases your energy levels because it frees up trapped parts of yourself. Remember, it takes energy to keep something down psychologically.

In addition, there are a few points I would like to introduce before we look at the Process itself.

First of all, suppressed shadow material often coalesces into a state that resembles a being or an entity. It is possible to communicate with one's shadow material as if it were a conscious being.

Secondly, accepting one's shadow does not necessarily mean accepting its behavior (i.e., if you want to stop smoking, accepting your own shadow material responsible for the abuse of tobacco does not mean that you accept smoking). It does mean, however, that you accept the part of you that wants to smoke.

My office is closed again today. I wonder if this means that our deadlines will be extended, probably not. Of course I've gotten to a point where I need to meet with my team to go forward, so while the time off is nice, it I'm not making any additional progress.

The sun peeks and ascends above the horizon. Ice begins to melt and people begin to stir from within their homes.

Evidently I spoke too soon about melting ice. The ice may be melting elsewhere, but the ice on my driveway appears to be here to stay for a while. Who would have thought I’d arrange for a ride into work? If I’m lucky, when I get into the office, I’ll find that my furniture is rearranged. Reality seems to be slowly creeping into the minds of a few people at work. Suddenly it has dawned on people that unless certain people outside of my team deliver things, we can’t put our work into production on the demanded date.

Goodness, you mean if everyone doesn't make the date this whole push to get things done early isn't going to work? I wonder why that sounds familiar...

Thanks to the help of Necess1ty, I was rescued from the icy tundra of my driveway. There is nothing like being stuck and unable to get out on your own to make you appreciate the freedom of having your own car. Most of the ice has melted from my driveway and I was able to drive to the store after work today.

Apparently the Clue Fairy didn’t hit a few people hard enough yesterday. While we haven’t gone completely back to the beginning, there are definitely holes in the system. Did I mention that we still haven’t closed on the plan for January? At this point I’m hoping we’ll close on January before the Ides of March.

Today brought two amazing revelations to light.

The first sudden revelation was that if they plan on switching off the system for a week tomorrow afternoon, perhaps they should actually let the users know what is going on. So far they haven’t told the users yet. Suddenly they aren’t certain whether or not they’ll be able to get the administration work done to get the system shut down for a week in time to shut the system off tomorrow afternoon.

The second revelation was that no one has prepared to educate the users on the changes being made to the tools and processes. For some reason the requirement owners, the people to “own” the tools and the processes, seem to think that we, the developers, are going to educate their users on their processes. We’re developing these tools to support their processes, why the heck would we be educating their users?

Hello, is anyone home in there? We’re pushing just to get the coding done in time and we still have requirements that aren’t finalized. Does anyone have a calendar? Tomorrow is January 30th and I’m not working this weekend, I have plans on Saturday and I’m watching the Super Bowl on Sunday.

Don’t forget, this weekend is Super Bowl Sunday and I’m sure we have a lot of extra time to work between 5:00 pm today and 8:00 am on Monday…

Ten things you don’t want to hear, but were actually said at a meeting that started today at 3:00 pm, concerning a major release on Monday:

1. We haven’t identified who will be a part of the pilot program starting Monday.
   
2. We haven’t sent any notice to the users letting them know that the system will be down for the next week during the pilot.
   
3. Who is responsible for creating the distribution list of people who should be notified about the update? (Silence)
   
4. Has anyone told the admins that there is a pilot next week and the main system will be down? (The answer was “no”.)
   
5. We haven’t submitted a request to alter the system. We should do that soon, since the request requires two levels of approval.
   
6. Has anyone told the people in the pilot that any work they do in the pilot system is considered to be “trash data” and may be lost entirely? (More silence)
   
7. Who is responsible for finalizing these 2 requirements? (Excuse me, but could we get the requirements BEFORE the delivery date?)
   
8. Who is responsible for the data recovery plan in the event that there is any data corruption? (The answer was “we don’t expect any data corruption” to occur with the pilot.” Funny, but since we haven’t been able to test anything, I’m expecting bad data.)
   
9. Them: We need to make backup copies of the application data before we make any updates. Me: Isn’t that entire system on an automated backup schedule that runs nightly? Them: Yeah, but we aren’t sure it really works. The last time we tried to restore a backup, the data was corrupt and the recovery failed.
   
10. Do we have a back out plan? (Hi, isn’t it a little late to make these plans?)