RedJen's Rearview Mirror

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

Don't let the past hold you back; you're missing the good stuff.

BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.48
1. Those paper toilet seat covers in public bathrooms, do you use them?
It depends on how clean the bathroom appears to be.

2. What is on your Christmas Wish List for Santa to bring?
My Wish List can be found here. For one thing, Santa is flying me to Ohio so that I can be there for my nephew’s Baptism.

3. In the month of November, Brian wrote over 50,000 words on his novel and is nearing completion. What did you accomplish in the month of November?
I was able to give a friend a very cool birthday present, started fighting my way out of depressive episode, made contact with a new group of people, decorated my stairs for Christmas, moved my website to a new server, kept up with my journal and made all the appointments I’ve been putting off.

4. Have you ever snuck into someplace that you shouldn't have? Tell me about that.
My first two years at Ohio State, I lived in the Stadium Scholarship Dorm and worked in the dorm office. Because I worked in the office, I got to move into the dorm about a week before everyone else. During that week, the fire doors were not alarmed, so during the day, I’d go through the fire door on my floor and sunbathe inside the stadium.

5. Do you recall the first internet meme you participated in? How did you come to find out about it? Do you still participate? Why or why not?
The first meme I participated in was probably on a BBS and someone would have sent it to me. I don’t have contact with the people on that BBS any more, so I don’t participate in that one any longer.

6. Do you have any favorite internet or "streaming" radio programs or music channels you wish were available in your car or on a portable radio?
I’ve become quite fond of Rhapsody, which lets me tailor my own music lists and channels.

7. Ever been skinny-dipping? What's the story there?
Yes, my parents sometimes read this, so we’ll just leave it at that.

BONUS: What's cooler than being cool? Being honest with yourself.

Today's Comment Question: What is up with Michael Jackson anyway? He’s weird. A jury is going to have to decide the rest.

I am so close to swearing off ever hosting a party ever again. Last year I was having people over for a Holiday get together the first Friday of December. Two days before, we had a wonderful ice storm that knocked down trees and power lines. This generally made a huge mess out of the area. I was lucky to get power back fairly quickly.

This past September, we planned my housewarming and the triple threat birthday for Saturday the 20th. What happens that week? We have a hurricane go through. Granted it wasn’t a huge hurricane here, but still!

Sunday I’m hosting a gift exchange for friends and now there is a winter weather warning going on for tomorrow. I’m going to have to either stop entertaining or let someone else start picking the dates.

I’m officially getting into the spirit of the season. Actually that isn’t true, I’ve started decorating for the season. The stockings are hung over the fireplace. The lights are in the living room window. The banisters are decorated with lights and tinsel. The fireplace works, although I really do need to arrange to get some wood if I’m going to use it with any regularity. My tree will be up and decorated within the next three days.

So here we are in December and Christmas is just around the corner. I absolutely love the decorations, buying presents for people I care about and getting to show people that I care about them in a slightly “flashy” manner with the safety of a holiday as an excuse. So why is it that I feel so hollow?

I guess it is good that I’m feeling something, even if it is an absence. Two weeks ago I couldn’t care less what was going on around me. There’s something to be said for not having anyone dependent on you. Without someone else forcing me to keep going, when I run out of reserves, the consequences of just falling apart don’t seem that bad. If I fall apart and there isn’t anyone else who will be hurt, why should I fight? It sounds pretty good when you’re completely worn out.

So where am I now? Well, I’m feeling again. I’m not about to jump up and down doing cartwheels, but falling apart doesn’t seem like such a good idea any longer. I made some more progress to get more unpacked today. Two more boxes have been emptied. The living room bookcases have been filled. The living room is now ready for the Christmas tree to go up.

I guess right now I’m trying to get my energy reserves back. My memory is shot and I have to write everything down in order to remember what is was that I had planned on doing. I have two separate notepads that I’m using, one for work and one for everything else. On the up side, I’ve been able to get things done the last two weeks. Getting satisfaction out of putting little x’s in boxes is kind of funny, but I’ll take my victories where I can find them right now.

What I said Wednesday about having parties, yeah, I’m thinking that may go for getting my hair done. Although in this case since there have been years where getting my hair done didn’t correspond with trauma. The last two times have been on the same day as major upheaval at a certain investigations firm. I refuse to stop having my hair fixed.

Mud Jumping Monkeys In New Capes

Every year since I moved down to North Carolina, I’ve always had some kind of holiday get together during the Christmas, Hanukah, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, New Year’s season. I’ve always tried to create a nice meal that everyone enjoys. In the past I’ve always planned the meal days in advance so as to make sure that everything was perfect. Every year in the past, I’ve enjoyed seeing everyone and cooking for them, but juggling everything always added a measure of stress to the event.

This year, things have been a bit hectic, as you may have noticed, so I haven’t been able to do any intense planning or spare the energy to stress over today. When I woke up this morning at 9:00 a.m., I had not yet completed my gift exchange shopping, I hadn’t decided on a menu and I hadn’t even been to the grocery store. As I had people arriving in only three hours, an elaborate menu wasn’t going to happen, so I decided focused on simple, but good flavors. A ham cooked in a Coca-Cola reduction, sugar snap peas, mashed potatoes with sour cream and feta cheese, rolls and a mandarin cheesecake mousse for dessert.

By the time people began arriving, my presents were wrapped, I had fresh chocolate chip and anise-sugar cookies cooking in the oven and I was getting ready to start making chocolate pretzels. Rather than do what I had done in the past and sending my guests into the living room to work on the Christmas tree, I put them to work in the kitchen with me and included them in preparations for our meal. It is nice having a kitchen where five people can be moving around comfortably. Dominion crushed graham crackers, Desufnoc melted chocolate and then used it to coat pretzels, Drix crushed candy canes, Morgan coated the chocolate covered pretzels with crushed Toffee and candy canes, ShaeSin pealed potatoes and I finished making cookies. As people continued to arrive, the tree in the living room came together. For me it was a nice, warm fuzzy feeling. I was a part of everything that was going on and not an observer. Christmas music played on the stereo and a feeling of celebration was in the air.

The food was good, the company was fun, the gifts were thoughtful and I had a lot of fun. Once I’ve had a chance to go through the pictures, I’ll be adding a new set to the photo album. I’m highly content right now.

Is it something in the air or the pull of the moon? Is the joke on us all or is it just a chosen few?

Looking up tonight, the moon hangs like a plate in the sky. Driving home from a visit with a friend, I saw a falling star.

Started 12/04/2003:
So it should come as no surprise that I’m fighting my way out of a depression. GK asked me the pointed question of whether or not there are any signs that I’m heading that direction. Sign number one appears to be that I’m emotionally drained. That one I had in spades. Unreasonable demands at work mean I’m not feeling effective there, so I’m frustrated and tired. The death of someone I love very much and her funeral left me with very few stores. While I was driving up to Ohio, I received a phone call from Iraq. I can handle people dealing with reality. What I can’t handle is someone convinced that we have a connection, but we’ve never had anything beyond a surface conversation. That is living in a complete fantasy world. It is flattering to be told that someone you care about just wanted to hear your voice, but it is a bit creepy to hear it from someone you barely know. This is one time I’m glad that specific person is not in the country. Yeah, I was rude, but I was on my way to a funeral driving on an interstate highway in a rainstorm.

Continued Today:
Today I had a slightly enlightened experience with the person who prescribes my anti-depressive medications. The way I understand it, he and GK are jointly responsible for working with me to find the best way to minimize the effect of depression on my life. The first time I saw this doctor, I was well on my way to getting out of depression. Well, this time I’m still working my way out of it and I didn’t know what to tell him, so I said so. I’m hoping he was having a bad day, because I wasn’t impressed with his bedside manner. I’m going to see GK tomorrow and I’m hoping that he’ll have a better answer for me than the one I got today.

I’m trying to figure out how memories manifest in other people. Are they snapshots? Are they movies? Are they interactive video games? Are they like instant replay? How are emotions tied to memory? Is it only half a memory if you can’t remember how you felt? What if you have a name for how it felt, but you can’t remember what that feeling actually felt like?

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 3.49
1. Do you have any vacation time from work saved up for the Holidays? Or are you taking any time off or traveling this month? What are your plans?
I have a little bit of time left, but I?ll only be making a short trip to Ohio to be a part of my nephew?s Baptism.

2. When do you do most of your blogging? During the day, at work, at home, at night?
I tend to do most of my journaling in the evening. I?ll think of something during the day and jot it down to expand on later. Sometimes I?ll write through lunch if I get involved in something.

3. What tends to keep you from blogging more? Or could it be that you blog too much and should do less?
Given the frequency that I?ve been blogging, I am rarely without a topic to play with. If anything keeps me from writing it is primarily inspiration.

4. Do you like dressing up and/or "role playing?"
Such a loaded question? I do enjoy dressing up.

5. When choosing a mate, there are some things you can overlook (boob size, hairy backs, beer belly, bad teeth, hair lip, etc.) and some things you just can't (see previous list). What are some of thing things you can live with when picking your partner, and what are the things that are a "must have?"
Must Haves: strong character, strong personality, able to hold a stable job, illegal drug-free....

6. Have you ever had a professional massage or ever been to a Chiropractor?
Both

7. Does size really matter? Yeah you know exactly what I mean too. Men, what have you been told and what do you know to be true? Girls, what is the real story and is that what you tell the guys? Have you ever been scared of one that was too big? For both: why do you think this debate is still going on?
The actual talk that goes on without men says that size does matter, but you can make up for quite a bit of shortcoming by being versatile. The debate goes on because men?s egos are so tied into their sexual identity and men always want to ?win.? Well, in most cases, you can?t win if you aren?t competing.

BONUS: Do they know it's Christmas time at all? My cats do, they like the tree that sprouts up in the living room.

Today's Comment Question: You still gonna come by and comment once the Monday Mission goes away? I?ll keep my eye on the site, but since I haven?t actually commented so far, using the word ?still? is kind of a misnomer.

When dealing with someone who is trying to recover from a depression, making demands on their time is not a good thing, especially when the time you are trying to demand is the time they are spending with a doctor or therapist. Think of it as if they are recovering from mono or a really bad flu. The time that they are able focus and give you is precious, asking for more time will only make recovery harder or give you time that is unfocused and worthless.

Where did this come from? I got email today saying that my “in office” schedule this week wasn’t working. So what is my reaction? The truth is I politely told him that I was at the doctor. What I wanted to tell him was to take a flying leap and that he should be happy I was able to work at all. The thing is I have to concentrate twice as hard to get things done. It is hard to focus and stay on task. I wonder if this is anything like what ADD feels like…

The pictures from last Sunday's Holiday gift exchange party are now in the photo album. I haven't started on the captions yet, but the pictures are up...

Jen's Photo Album

Continuing his good work, Brewster has again improved his Blood Sugar Level test results. His score today was 336, which is down from 391 two weeks ago. So far on the new diet he has dropped over 200 points since the first test at 545. I’ll take him back in for another test between Christmas and New Year’s Day. If he gets below 300, that will put him in the normal range and hopefully he’ll stay there.

Don Juan asks the four essential questions about existence:
I watched Don Juan DeMarco this afternoon. What really caught my attention was when Johnny Depp’s character says there are only four questions worth asking.

The four questions are:
"What is sacred?"
"Of what is the spirit made?"
"What is worth living for?"
"What is worth dying for?"

Puzzle looking to be solved
A close friend has described me as an alien. While it may take while to figure me out, I’m looking for someone who isn’t afraid to be a partner. Personal responsibility is important to me and until there is a child in my life, I have no interest in being someone’s mommy. I firmly believe that we are defined by how we react to things around us, not the things that happen to us.

Most people are comfortable talking with me, I tend to avoid judging people and prefer to help people make up their own minds, regardless of what I think is best. I believe people need to make their own decisions and learn to think for themselves. I am also someone who does not escalate an emotional crisis.

The people I care about, I care about deeply and with quiet strength. I am the person who will arrange for you to have a favorite dinner alone if you need peace and quiet after a hard day. I am the person who stops by just for a hug and leaves. I am also the person who just likes to sit quietly barely touching in front of the fireplace. My promises are kept and I expect the same in return.

My life is fairly comfortable and I would like to share it with someone I can love without reservation.

I’m looking for someone who wants to be part of a larger whole.
I’m looking for someone who is independent and competent on their own, but who wants to give who they are to me and receive who I am in return.
I’m looking for someone to be the keeper of my trust, secrets and deepest fears.
I’m looking for someone to hold me for no reason at all and be there when I’m too tired to be strong.
I’m looking for someone who will lean on me when they are tired and in need of strength.
I’m looking for someone who I can laugh, cry, yell and be quiet with.

…my brain started functioning today. I may not be up to full speed, but I can see things again. No, I haven’t been blind, just hazy of late. This morning I was in a meeting and I knew the answers to things we hadn’t broached before and was able to help put teammates on the road to a creative solution that will help both them and our customers. I also managed to redesign the entire flow for one of my current applications to minimize the chance of end user problems and to make the use more intuitive. It wasn’t a bad start for the day. I stopped questioning and just said things. Mr. Mgr, I’ll have an analysis of why that happened and a better solution for you on Thursday. We can present it on Friday morning; since that is the first time the necessary people are available.

Let’s hope this isn’t a phase, cause I haven’t felt this good in while.

Each of my cats has taken primary ownership of a specific part of the house. The living room is Neko’s. My bedroom is Omega’s but she lets Neko hang out with her in the afternoon. Brewster guards the kitchen and makes sure that the other two aren’t lonely. I’m not exactly sure why, but Omega seems to think that the bathtub in the master bathroom is either a roller derby track or a foxhole. Every time I go into the bathroom, she follows me in and then proceeds to stalk the bathtub.

Search Engine: Google
Search Information: mjm
Resulting unique URLs from the first 60 of 180,000 results containing MJM as the name of a unique business or group:

1. http://www.mjm.com/
   
2. http://mjmelectronic.com/
   
3. http://www.mjminc.com/
   
4. http://www.mjm.co.uk/
   
5. http://home.centurytel.net/~mjm/
   
6. http://www.mjmturbo.com/
   
7. http://www.mjmi.com/
   
8. http://www.mjm-engineering.com/
   
9. http://www.mjm.com.bb/
   
10. http://www.mjmnet.com/
    
11. http://www.mjmautoinnovations.com/
    
12. http://www.mjm-design.com/
    
13. http://www.mjm.qc.ca/
    
14. http://mjm-resources.com/
    
15. http://www.mjm.cz/
    
16. http://datarecovery.mjm.co.uk/
    
17. http://www.mjm-recruitment.co.uk/
    
18. http://www.go2mjm.com/
    
19. http://www.oldguns.co.uk/ (MJM Antiques)
    
20. http://www.mjmphoto.com/
    
21. http://www.mjmaustralia.com/
    
22. http://www.mjmmfg.com/
    
23. http://www.mjmsoft.com/
    
24. http://www.mjmspeakers.com/
    
25. http://www.mjmww.com/
    
26. http://www.mjmenergy.com/
    
27. http://www.mjm.org.ar/
    
28. http://www.mjm.net/
    
29. http://www.mjm.pl/
    
30. http://www.mjm-designerclothes.co.uk/
    
31. http://www.mjm.pt/
    
32. http://www.mjmresearch.com/
    
33. http://www.mjmfilmandvideo.com/
    
34. http://www.printable.com/success/mjm.htm/
    
35. http://www.mjm.bm/
    
36. http://mjminc.itctv.com/
    
37. http://www.mjm.com.sg/
    
38. http://members.aol.com/jorderic/mjmweddings.html
    
39. http://www.mjmtech.com/
    
40. http://www.mjm.co.kr/
    
41. http://www.lions-mjm.org/
    
42. http://www.mjm-media.de/
    
43. http://www.mjm-productions.com/
    
44. http://www.mjmelectric.coop/
    
45. http://www.mjm-design.nl/
    
46. http://www.mjmsounds.com/

So much for hitting a single Google response, now I'll never find the one we were looking for...

I've got to get home, (Baby, you'll freeze out there)
Say lend me a comb, (It's up to your knees out there)
You've really been grand, but don't you see
(How can you do this thing to me)

There's bound to be talk tomorrow
at least there will be plenty implied
I really can't stay, out there it's cold outside

Baby, it's cold outside

Original Title: Acknowledging my internal dialog
(Be warned, this is long.)

If any of this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry about it. This has nothing to do with you. I’m trying to challenge my internal dialog. The last time I talked with GK, there were times when he looked at me like as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Talking to people about myself in such a way that shows me in a positive light makes me feel guilty. This journal is probably the lone exception to that general statement and I’m not sure that reading my journal would make anyone see me in a positive light.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone other than ME! Have you got that? This means that I am the only person who gets to take this personally! I am concentrating on ME and how this makes anyone else feel cannot matter right now! I do still care how others feel and I can’t help but care. The thing is I have to learn about ME and I can’t do that if I’m concentrating on everyone else, because when I do that, I do it to the exclusion of myself.

There are two things, which in relation to me will make me mad faster than anything else. Those two things are telling me what I think and telling me what I feel. I may not do a good job in deciding what I think or feel all the time, but by all that is Holy, those are mine and no one else’s. There is nothing in this list that I can’t feel. The truth is I do feel everything in this list; so telling me that it is impossible to feel something does no good for anyone. I may not have a firm grasp on expressing my emotions, but I guarantee I know what is going on in my head better than anyone else. I am not saying that I should agree with all the statements below. The thing is that until I acknowledge them, I cannot address them positively or negatively.

That much formatting takes a while to do. I’m tired. I’m going to take a break now, shower, eat and pretend like I didn’t just rip an emotional hole in my chest for a while.

Tonight we say goodbye to the Fall and welcome Winter. I find it a bit ironic that the longest night begins the season of Winter. Now the nights will grow shorter and the sun will spend more time lighting up our sky.

Unless you are a part of the couple, the wedding is NOT about you. If you care about the couple at all, you will make any judgment calls based on what is best for them. If two people can be in the same place peacefully, but someone bringing a specific guest makes it a circus, DON’T take the guest.

Nicholas, your friend may be nice, but she isn’t the one who was invited. This isn’t about you and it isn’t about your friend. If you want to introduce your friend to people, then plan something and invite the people over. Don’t use someone else’s wedding to make a point. I repeat, weddings are about the couple getting married. If you can’t put the couple’s best wishes in front of your own for that ONE day, I hope you enjoy the buffet.

Put yourself in the couple’s place and think how you would feel if someone decided to hijack your special day.

I woke up Christmas morning with a catch in my heart. Knowing it was Christmas morning, for a moment I was ready to greet the spoils of Santa.

May there be few presents listed as combo gifts!

Okay, I just shot off something that I’m not sure of its reception. I’m going without internet access for a few days, so I guess I’ll have to wonder about the response until I get back online.

So I thought I?d met a halfway decent guy online, although being the control freak that I am, I wasn?t going to move very quickly. My idea of fun does not include meeting strangers in my home or theirs the first time. I was figuring that if we were going to meet, it would be in coffee shops or movie theatres the first four or five times.

We started talking online Sunday evening, talked on Monday and Tuesday evening, got creeped out as a result of the whole three day conversation and sent him email saying thanks, but no thanks on Wednesday evening. I also went out of my way in the email to tell him the real reasons behind my decision to break things off.

I?m new to the whole online dating scene. I?ve never felt inclined to give it a whirl, but figured what the heck, I?ll give it a try and see what happens. I didn?t want to be false with anyone, so I was very specific in what I was looking for. I also didn?t want this guy to think that I was just blowing him off for no reason.

... if Scott Adams knows some of the same people we do...

Brewster needs your good thoughts and prayers.

When I got home yesterday, Brewster was acting quiet, but not too far out of the ordinary since he was diagnosed with diabetes. This morning when I woke up, it was completely different. He was acting glassy eyed and barely reactive. I found multiple urine accidents on the carpet that weren’t there when I went to bed late last night. I found him in the kitchen laying with his chin in the water bowl, but not drinking. He was sniffing at the water, but not drinking. I did manage to get a little water in his mouth using a spoon, but after a while he refused to let me open his mouth. We had a vet appointment scheduled for this afternoon, but I wasn’t willing to wait any longer, so I cradled him in a towel and drove him to the vet hospital.

When we got the hospital, they took us right in and sent in one of the vets. His temperature was low, his breathing shallow, his breathe smelled of acetone and he was dehydrated.

He’s currently at the animal hospital. The vet said that if all went well, he might be able to come home in about two days. I could tell he didn’t want to worry me too much, but when he told me that there was a chance things may not go well, I knew something really bad was going on. As I suspected, he told me they were going to put Brewster on an IV to treat the dehydration. He told me that Brewster was in a state of acidosis caused by Ketos. What I didn’t suspect was how severe Ketoacidosis can be.

After making sure they had my phone numbers, I headed home to pull up Google and search on acidosis and feline. The first section below is what Brewster is going through right now. The second section is more information on Diabetic Ketoacidosis.

My sweet, sweet little Brewster-boy isn’t coming home...

Brewster’s diabetic emergency became fatal at 7:30 pm this evening. I spoke to the vet at about 7:00 when he called to give me an update. At that point his blood sugar was down to a normal level and his body temperature was up to normal, but the urine test had found some kidney problems, he was still lethargic and his eyes were dilated and non-reactive. The vet had hoped that there would have been more progress at that point and he wanted me to know how things were going. He was afraid that Brewster would not fully recover and I believe he wanted me to be prepared in case I had to make a decision. He was planning on taking Brewster home with him for the evening to continue giving Brewster insulin and monitoring his progress.

The vet just called and when he went to take Brewster home with him for the evening, he found that Brewster had passed.

My sweet, sweet little Brewster-boy isn’t coming home.

I’ll be scattering Brewster’s ashes in about a week and a half. I’ll have to figure out where to take them, definitely somewhere with birds and sunshine. My sweet, sweet little boy...

Neko and Omega are confused. Omega has been walking around the house every few hours and meowing. Neko has been following me around staying close and running to check out any noise in the house. I know they are both looking for Brewster. I was looking for him this morning when I went to put out their food.

They were together for over 6 years and never apart for more than a few hours at a time. I can’t tell them what happened. I can’t take them to see him. Neither of them saw me take him out of the house, because they were both upstairs. To them he’s just missing and they probably expect him to show up at any time. I wish I could believe that too, but I know better.

I have hereby been convinced to venture forth from the house tonight. I haven’t felt like being in a crowd today, so I was going to just stay in and watch the ball drop from here. It turns out a few friends have got together, so I’m heading over there to ring in the New Year.