RedJen's Rearview Mirror

And thus concludes the extended weekend. Looking back, I did manage to arrange or take care of quite a bit. I found a dining room table and sideboard, which is supposed to be delivered next Saturday. The sectional for the family room was delivered on Friday. Saturday I cleaned the old apartment and took care of turning that back over to the complex, updated most of my magazine subscriptions with the new address, set the Triple Threat party work into motion and watch the Buckeye’s start their season with a win over Washington. Sunday I bought something I needed (lawn mower) and something I’ve been putting off but wanted (speaker system), spent a decent amount of time putting the speaker system together and getting that set up, had a nice talk with a ailing friend and a good sleep on the couch. Monday found me not being able to meet with my friend who is trying to shake her ailment so that she can get a fresh start tomorrow, spending the day instead with two others at the mall and except for a slight (cough) spree in an art store, spending very little. It was a fun time at the mall and I was able to gauge some of the likes of a friend who is new to our circle. Wrap the weekend up by gathering friends over to relax and watch a movie, not a bad way to wrap things up. There is only one thing really missing and that was seeing my friend who is fighting off the ailment. If I’m lucky, I may be able to catch her on the way home from work one night this week, since I’m almost on her way home.

Now if the rain holds off, I’ll have to get out and trim the small jungle that is forming as my lawn gets out of control.

Dominion is also known as Virgo contestant number one.

(Okay, so this was just under the wire, but I made it ON your birthday.)

I think I figured out why I’m not writing quite as much lately. Most of my free brain cycles are being used to try and figure out what to do with furniture and other random things in the house. Answering the questions concerning things like what type of rug I’d like to see where, where to put random things until I get around to them, figuring out exactly what the schedule is for garbage collection on a holiday week, planning the Triple Threat Birthday and Housewarming Party.

I’m not sure who is more entertained by the bird and squirrel feeders, the cats or me. From the selection of birds that have been visiting, I’m guessing that people have been feeding birds in my neighborhood for a while now. I’m seeing cardinals, blue jays and tiny little birds that I’m not sure what they are. As long as it doesn’t rain tomorrow, I really need to mow the lawn. I read the lawn mover directions today. As far as I can tell, all I need now is to go and get a portable container and gasoline (that and a machete to chop my way through the lawn).

Hurry Kati-Bug, run to the store and buy some hooch!

Here I lounge on the couch. I have a cat across my abdomen and both my forearms. It’s a good thing I know how to touch type or I’d have to dislodge Omega to write this evening. She’s just laying here purring, it would be mean to make her move when she’s so comfortable.

I was checking in on a friend’s journal earlier and ran across this comment on his latest post: “I was going to vent some more about how I cannot shake this need to have someone, but I think everyone has gotten tired of it, and I know I am getting tired of being ranted at by those who want to tell me how wrong I am to feel that way.”

On feelings: I’m not sure why people have the need to tell others that their feelings are invalid. If I feel sad and you tell me I can’t be sad, what does that fix? I’m still sad and you’ve discounted my feelings. Until someone proves to me that they are either psychic or can read minds, there really isn’t any way for anyone other than me to know what my feelings are at any specific time. My feelings are mine alone and no one other than me has access to define them.

On journals: If you want to rant, then rant. If you want to muse on inner thoughts and feelings, do it. If you are going to be dealing with a topic you think some people may want to skip, then put that into the first couple of lines so they can choose whether or not to continue reading. Heck, you can’t force anyone to continue to read anything you post. If you need to vent, do it. If people decide they don’t want to read what you wrote, they can *drum roll please* close the browser or just stop reading. Crazy concept, but really, unless you feel free to use your journal to journal, what’s the point of having it in the first place. If someone doesn’t want to read as you delve into your personal needs, so what. It’s not like you are asking them to give your feelings a stamp of approval or to validate your emotions. Your emotions are yours and whether or not someone agrees with your emotions doesn’t make your emotions any more or less valid.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you don’t feel comfortable expressing what is going on within your journal, perhaps you need to reconsider how you use it. If you use a journal as a part of a community, perhaps you need more than one journal in order to have a place to put more personal thoughts. Heck, put it behind a password and pretend it is locked diary.

My point is that if part of the reason you journal is to work through things you are dealing with either alone or with other people, censoring yourself will not facilitate that kind of work. Find a forum that you can trust and use it.

I have successfully mowed the lawn and survived. I need to go over it again soon and pick up the random weird things that I uncovered as a result of mowing. I also learned that there are two early high school aged boys about 3 doors down who mow lawns for extra spending money. I’ll see how things go mowing myself. In one of those weird things, I kind of miss the smell of fresh cut grass, so for now I’m going to do it myself while it has a novelty factor. I’m sure that eventually I’ll tire of mowing and enlist one of the boys to handle the lawn for me.

Tonight, I’m leaving the computer at work. I think I’ll be able to survive without it at home. Maybe I'll read or talk to someone on the phone...

Verb: To be absorbed in one's thoughts; engage in meditation.
Noun: A product of contemplation; a thought.

A friend of mine has hit upon why I called my site RedJen’s Musings. I started writing this as a comment on her site, but it has grown so long, that I’m going to spare her, post it here on my site and send her a link rather than my entire train of thought.

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Hope you've had fun today little sister!

Day two in the quest to be more of a human... I will forego immediately returning to the safety of home in order to venture out ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!

I’m not sure why you’ve become attached to the name “Old Scratch” and I’m fairly certain I don’t want to know why…

Umm, why do you always look like you’ve just been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing?

...how about going down to Mexico… Doesn’t sound too bad to me. I’m getting tired out again. I get up and I’m wide-awake. I go to the gym and I’m fine. I go home to get ready for work and I fall asleep getting ready to take shower. I finally get into work, where I fight to keep from nodding off, while listening to white noise that is trying to put me to sleep. Lather, rinse and repeat.

I don’t want to go to the area fun day today, so I’m not going to go. I’ll get some lunch, do some work and take a nap instead.

Tomorrow the NCSU football team will be playing in Ohio State’s Horseshoe Stadium. I thought a lot about going up to Ohio for the game, but the whole house thing kind of put that thought aside. I know some people who are just going up and plan on getting tickets there. I’ve tried to tell them that they are going to have a hard time getting tickets, but so far no one has listened. Living down here in ACC country, many people don’t have any idea just how BIG football is in the smash mouth football conferences. There is a reason why they call it smash mouth and it’s the same reason why many of the best linemen in the NFL came out of the Big 10 and Big 12 conferences. Corn fed boys make huge men. Offensive linemen have a new stat called “Pancakes” that is kept thanks to Orlando Pace. A “Pancake” is when an offensive lineman flattens a defensive lineman to the point that he is lying on his back, looking at the sky and wondering how he got there.

So this morning, I wrote my first mortgage check. This is also the first time I made a serious dent in the mail that I’ve gotten in the last few weeks. I need to kick into gear and finish putting things in place before next weekend. I can handle having something not quite set, but I think I should be able to get the bookcases filled and the boxes out of the living room.

I’m thinking I may want to start locking the cats out of my room when I get in late. The 8 am wakeup call wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping to sleep until 10 am, but they had other plans. It’s not as if there were hungry, I put their food out before I went to sleep.

Well, Ohio State is leading NCSU 14-0 in the second quarter. Halftime will be used cleaning up my mail debris and working on the bookcases. Off to work…

Happy Birthday lady! Hope you have fun today with the girls, your family and everyone else!

I’ve been slowly going downhill for about a week, but last night I crashed. On the up side, my new couch is very comfortable for sleeping. Note to self: Do not let friends talk you into leaving the house when you can’t think straight. Let’s see if my foggy brain can articulate (wow, big word).

Saturday: I did bills, sorted through all the mail, cleaned the kitchen, watched the football game, met with some friends to give a joint birthday present, called a different friend from planned evening activity and canceled, had pizza with birthday friends, gathered strength and went home. Just after walking through the door and taking Nyquil, another friend from the evening activity calls, arranges for someone to pick me up and manages to convince me to participate anyway. Did I mention I have a fever? In everyone’s defense, I did have fun last night, although I was definitely not a shiny happy person. I was a tired droopy person with a very foggy brain. (Aside: car windows rolled down and racing seats feel good when you back aches and you have a slight sweat.) What’s funny is that the time yesterday when I was most comfortable was sitting in the passenger seat and being driven around. The breeze felt incredible.

So I got home late, took more Nyquil and couldn’t fall sleep, too much congestion, I can’t stop coughing. The solution is a long hot shower in the middle of the night. Congestion breaks up a bit, but laying flat sucks. Time to grab my favorite soft blanket and move downstairs to the couch. Couch soft, kitty soft, crickets funny, sleep good...

Sunday: The fever seems to be down a bit and I’m a little less achy. I think I’ll lay here for a little bit longer, then see how my balance is doing today.

"Chance bad!"

Most of the time I really don’t mind being single. I realize that I am missing some things, but planning things with friends can substitute for doing the same with someone special. When it really hits home that something is missing are times like right now. Strong fingers rubbing the back of my neck or circling my back would feel beyond good at this point. I don’t necessarily want someone to talk to right now, but having someone to lean on would be nice. Before anyone starts heading over here, I’m okay. I have plenty of Orange Juice, tissues, Jell-O, Nyquil, Dayquil, etc. What I don’t have is that tender underlying relationship that I require before I can completely allow myself to dissolve and completely surrender. Hot showers are nice and all to ease achy muscles, but it really isn’t the same as the light caress of someone special.

Now I need to get some work done that I couldn’t do earlier. Of course I don’t know if I’ll be able to do a very good job of it now, but I need to have something working by tomorrow morning. Then I’m going to come back home, be grumpy with the kitties and hopefully go visit my Doctor.

Fuzzy and cotton headed, when my sinuses are messed up, it has such a completely different effect on my state of mind than an upset stomach. I realize that my sinuses are right up there by my brain and as a result if they are swollen, things get a little crowded in there. Good thing I don’t have a multiple personality disorder. (Smirk) I'd hate to get into a wrestling match for elbowroom with myself, because I'd be guaranteed to lose.

I’ve been instructed to lay low and rest a lot. This also explains why I couldn’t breathe the other night around anything that smelled like smoke. Cross your fingers that Isabel doesn’t come this far into North Carolina, I’m not sure I’ll be up to dealing with a full-fledged hurricane this week.

All around, the area is bracing for Isabel’s arrival. She isn’t supposed to hit the coast for a few more hours, but the winds are picking up here a bit. Unless things change, tomorrow will be the real dance.

I’m still coughing, only now, it actually seems to be doing some work. The low activity, frequent naps course of treatment seems to be helping. I did run out to the store today and pick up more 7-Up and batteries. Since when did they start to put caffeine into 7-Up? You order a caffeine free cola as caffeine free. How do you order an original 7-Up? You don’t call a regular Pepsi, an original Pepsi. Like there isn’t enough caffeine in the current carbonated beverages, why does someone feel like adding caffeine to one of the few drinks you can order and not worry about caffeine.

A quote from my doctor on Monday: “You don’t have to eat, but force yourself to drink as much as possible.”

Hurricane Isabel – left a lot of leaves and twigs in my yard. Now I know why I “had” to buy a rake.

Health – is getting steadily better. I’m acting a bit like a narcoleptic at this point, I’m still coughing and sound like a horse frog, but feeling much better.

Work – will be there next week. We were closed yesterday, so I didn’t have to spend my planned vacation day and I’ve had today scheduled off as a vacation day for the past month.

Website – I’ve changed my Guestbook implementation and migrated the existing entries. I may need to revisit where it is on the site, it is under Meet RedJen, as it doesn’t seem to get much traffic.

Tonight (Friday) – has an event at NC State, if it doesn’t get cancelled. I’m a little confused about what being open under a Weather AX means.

Saturday night – is still on for the Triple Threat party.

Somehow I need to break this habit of sleeping until 9 AM on the weekend and then getting up regardless of what else is going on. Last night I was out with friends and didn’t get in until late last night (early this morning). It is going to be a very long day with the Triple Threat going on tonight and hopefully I’ll be able to catch a nap between now and then. I keep falling asleep with my fingers on the keyboard, which leaves some interesting letter patterns on the screen. I need to be awake tonight, there are going to be too many people here for me to be “checking-out” early.

Off to take care of some last boxes, then maybe a nap before the Ohio State game.

House still here. Cats alive. Pictures to follow. Back to sleep.

For the record, six weeks of seeing someone in group-settings only, where they NEVER manage to visit you, do NOT make a grand relationship. This is especially true in the case where they are the one who choose to discontinue contact in order to play with strippers and other similarly employed women. No matter what anyone says, I haven’t been in a “Relationship” since breaking things off with my ex-fiancé. I have gone out with a few people since, but I have yet to get into the next “Relationship”. Also, going to the same High School does not automatically make you friends from High School. It makes you people who went to the same High School that may have been aware of each other’s existence. It also makes you people who come from a common area and who may have a common upbringing as a result of geographical tendencies. For crying out loud, even in High School, I didn’t claim to be friends with a ton of people. I knew a lot of people, but I didn’t claim to be friends with them.

Yes, I was faced with an intoxicated person during the party that claimed to want to be in a serious relationship with me. This person has the misconception (see yesterday) that we had a serious relationship about 3 years ago. I will admit that we “made-out” a few times (twice if I remember correctly), but that was it. We didn’t do anything as a couple. He dropped off the face of the earth and ignored my last phone calls and emails. It wasn’t like we had a screaming fight. I wasn’t crushed that things didn’t work out. I didn’t really have an emotional investment going on yet at that point. Yes, there were plenty of things about me that he didn’t know about yet. I’m not an easy person to get to know, people tend to get to know me slowly and over time. My closest friends still find me a bit of a mystery, for someone who saw me about once a week for six weeks to be surprised that there are things about me that they were not privy to is not unusual as far as I go. It is really not unusual when you consider that we never alone to have a real conversation and I don’t go around telling everyone my business. For the record, unless I am comfortable with the whole group, I’m not going to be at my most open.

Things that do not impress me:

1. Dropping off the face of the earth for no given reason. If you aren’t interested, tell me. I’m a big girl and I’ll respect you more.


2. Showing up after three years of no contact and then calling for five days straight, without any response back. For crying out loud, give me a chance to get back to you. I’m not sitting around my house waiting on people to call me.


3. Calling me on Saturday morning to ask me to drive two hours to visit that day. Again, I’m not sitting around my house waiting on people to call. A visit that requires that type of drive also needs a bit more planning than a phone call three hours prior. Doing this every week for a month isn’t a big points grabber either.


4. People over the age of thirty who think the perfect weekend includes going out and heavily drinking every night of the weekend.


5. Constantly referring to your ex-spouse in conversations with people you are trying to have a relationship with.


6. Constantly referring to the fact that your children really love the person you are trying to have a relationship with.


7. Telling me that you aren’t ready to settle down, but that you may be getting to that point and don’t want to burn bridges.


8. Telling anyone who will listen that we were friends in High School and that we have this huge Relationship going on. If I’m in a relationship, there’s no need to convince everyone that it exists. Trying to convince people that I’m taken isn’t going to get any points either. The people who know me aren’t going to buy it and it will only make you look ridiculous.


9. Calling me “Babe” is a definite points loser! Calling me “Babe” and giving me orders at the same time will earn you a swift kick in the butt.


10. Looking at what I have and deciding that would be good for your kid. I am not looking to support anyone else. If I have something you like, find a way to earn it. I’m way beyond being flattered by someone who likes my dowry.


11. Publicly working up the nerve to tell me that you want to jump from just talking into a committed relationship. People who know me know I don’t jump into things like that.


12. Assuming that we can skip the get to know you phase just because it doesn’t fit your time table. When you have to leave on assignment doesn’t have anything do with me. I’m not going to skip steps to give you a warm fuzzy when I really don’t have any reason to trust you at this point. We are not anywhere near a point where you have any basis to ask me to be exclusive with you, just because you will be out of the country. We’ve never been out on a date. Why would you think I’d agree to see you exclusively? This sounds like something you’d do in grade school, where seeing someone doesn’t really mean anything. Can I get a Happy Meal before we’re all but engaged? Not going to happen.


13. Acting jealous when I’m affectionate with friends.


14. Giving me the 3rd degree about why I’m laughing my head off with friends as we fall to the floor in a heap.


15. Talking down about my friends, when you’ve barely met them. When you’re the one who was drunk at the time, you don’t have any room to talk. It is your own responsibility to make a good impression with them. It is not their fault if they want more for me than you show them.

I’m trying to be open about meeting new people and dating. The problem I keep running into is that even with that mindset, I’m meeting people who just don’t get it. I want to be wanted for me. I want to find someone who is strong and secure in who they are. I don’t want to replace someone’s mom. I want an adult. I have a lot to offer someone and I think I have the right to decide whether or not someone has enough to offer me.

So I think I managed to write most of the angst out over certain people. I swear I’m an adult!

Today was good, okay, long, fun and a learning experience. I was able to go back to the gym for the first time in a week. Too bad I still can’t completely fill my lungs with air, but I’ll take a slightly modified workout over none at all. Work was work and it got long. A friend and I went to a playground and took a ride on the swings. It was so fun to laugh, kick our shoes off and just be. Tonight I finished figuring out how to rework my new photo gallery into the existing website. You can check it out here. It also has pictures from the Triple Threat Party we had last weekend.

Today was the first full day of Autumn. ShaeSin’s got her groove back and I’m starting to have fun. This could be an interesting change of seasons.

Must be: Single, intelligent, confident, secure, straight, self-supporting, able to live alone, able to laugh at himself, willing to have fun and employed.
Prefer: Tall (6’ or taller), athletic, non-smoker, articulate, educated and never been married.
Nice to have common likes: Cats, the ocean, beaches, heights, reading, exercise, outdoor sports and trying new things.
Ideal age: 26 – 39 (others considered)

Tomorrow I begin working to clear out the last of the things from my room. I’m not sure what to call it, because it isn’t my bedroom. It is the room that I’ve decided will be the one where I’ll lock the out the world. I could have used it tonight, although the cats didn’t seem to mind sharing the living room with me too much.

I’m dizzy, giddy and content. Maybe I should have gotten more than shear curtains for the windows. I have so many songs running through my mind: Stay in the Moment, Precious Pain, It’s My Life, Beautiful Goodbye and The Lucky One.

Tonight I’m one of the lucky ones.
Wind to your wings

So until earlier, I didn’t realize just how much bronchitis sucked. For some reason I was under the impression that once you figured out what it was and went through the course of treatment, that it would run its course and I could go on with my life. Unfortunately, it appears to be less like having strep throat and more like recovering from mono. A single course of antibiotics does not solve this one, as it is one of those nice, long and slow recoveries.

I realize that there is a ton of evidence out there that we may be over medicated and that the use of antibiotics is weakening out immune systems, but it’s not fair to put us out cold turkey. My doctor told me that before they’d give me anything for a sinus infection, I’d have to try and kick it myself for at least 7 days. Great, so this last time I’m feeling like I have a sinus infection, but now knowing that they’ll make me wait an extra week, I put off going to the doctor and hope that I can actually kick it myself. Good news, I do manage to kick the sinus infection bug. Unfortunately, in the process of kicking the sinus infection, I’ve managed to develop bronchitis. That really sucks! Now instead of having something that a 10-day course of antibiotics will completely wipe out and I’ll be okay to get back into things, I have to recover my lung capacity.

I’m not really good for a straight 8-hour workday right now. I’m falling asleep on my keyboard in the afternoon. I’m falling asleep and it isn’t due to being bored. I’ll be working on something and the next thing I know, I’m looking at the computer screen and seeing complete gibberish. It’s a good thing that I can’t stretch out at work. Today I sat down on the couch with my computer in my lap, then started to work on answering emails. I think I finished one, but then I woke up 2 hours later. My laptop was still in my lap and the response I was working on was still on the screen, plus a few new lines of something crazy looking.

Anyway, now I know that it is going to take a decent amount of time to get over being sick this last time. It would appear that my lungs are only pulling in about 60% of the air that they were prior to being sick. Now I get to find a way to build them back up. The goal is 80% by the end of next week, but I’m going to have to get a lot of sleep for that to happen. I’m not doing a very good job on the sleep so far tonight, so I’m off to sleep.

It would appear that I’ve thrown a few people for a loop with my “Shall we dance?” post. In no specific order, the answers to the common questions are as follows:

• There wasn’t a guy involved.


• I was alone.


• My room is the third bedroom of my house, which I intend to turn into a place where I can go to shut out the world and allow my creative side to run free.

So with that being said and since a little time has passed, I may be able to better describe what happened and what I was feeling.

Have you ever had a moment when you just KNEW there was something more? Perhaps the stars were all aligned correctly. Maybe I was fortunate enough to reach a point of transcendence. All I know was that I was sitting in the living room thinking about a friend who I knew was having a time of spiritual connection. I was sitting, thinking of her and willing to her the love and joy I feel toward her. As I thought of her, I allowed my thoughts to wander and then I was thinking about connections. I was following connections between people, the feelings that bind us together and suddenly there it was.

I don’t know exactly what it was, but I could feel it from my head to my toes and beyond. I could feel that I was a part of something so large and so incredible that it couldn’t be measured. I was such a small piece, but connected to everything at the same time. I was a part of this massive whole, but at the same time I was entirely myself and unique. And there was something that was there holding it all together.

I felt the purest, deepest love and I was loved.

If there had ever been a time when I doubted the existence of a divine power, no doubts could possibly remain. Call it what you want, but there is something bigger, something more and on that night, it embraced me. And I reacted to the outpouring of love like a child who could not be contained. I danced and laughed and giggled. I spun around and around until I fell down dizzy and laughing to the floor. And when my energy was spent, I lay quietly on the floor and sighed a grateful “Thank you” because all was well in my world.

And I am loved.

ShaeSin has been "stealing" ideas from my site, so I'm stealing this list idea from her...

The five transitions of my life that taught me the most.

1. Leaving home and going off to college
   Lesson learned: I can define and redefine who I am to the people around me. People can try to put you in a box of their choosing, but you don’t have to go down without a fight.


2. College: loosing scholarships, failing classes and credit card debt, followed by working through it, graduating and paying off the credit cards
   Lesson learned: I can mess up by my own actions, take responsibility for them and still accomplish the end goal with enough perseverance. Staying out of holes is easier than digging you way back out of them. Credit card companies don’t care about you and whether or not you have enough money to eat. I could survive on a lot less money than I am currently making. It feels good to send off that last check to the credit card company and know that I dug myself out on my own.


3. Working as a Lifeguard in the inner city (rather than in a small town)
   Lesson learned: If you respect people as people, you can earn respect back in return. Everyone has an issue from their past and there is no way for you to look at a person and know whether or not they were emotionally abused last night. The only way to get to know a person is to interact with that person. Some kids are never told when they do well or expected to excel. People will tend to live up to higher expectations if you assume that they are capable of doing so and tell them.


4. Moving to North Carolina from Ohio
   Lesson learned: I am able to create a life of my own away from my family and thrive. I miss living within a manageable drive from my family. When I see my parents, I can recognize where I came by certain behaviors.


5. Deciding to break off my engagement
   Lesson learned: It is better for me to be true to myself than to go along with what other people think is best and “right” thing to do. If I invite someone to be a part of a large decision, I can’t respect someone who refuses to participate in the discussion. It may not be politically correct, but there are some people that I just don’t find physically attractive, regardless of how much I like them as an individual. I should trust my instincts, when I don’t, I tend to wish I had.

Everything is fine now. My admirer is being deployed and I spent part of Sunday visiting with him before he leaves this weekend. Things weren’t weird or anything. I figure one of two things happened. Option 1 is that he was so drunk that he doesn’t remember anything. Option 2 is that he remembers our entire conversation and he’s okay with it. So bonus, I have a new pen pal.

And he didn’t call me “Babe” once.

meme n (mëm): A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted from one to another.

I’ve brought my Memes back into the Musings Site. I haven’t been doing enough of them to bother keeping up a separate area for them.