RedJen's Rearview Mirror

I was chatting with my youngest sister the other night over chat. The younger of our two brothers is in the Marine Reserves. The longer the war in Iraq goes on, the more likely it becomes that he will be activated. The thought of him going to war is disturbing to me, but to I can only imagine what it is like to be barely a teenager and have to deal with the thought that one of your family may be put directly in the middle of a war that I'm not even sure she really understands. Hell, I'm not sure anyone fully understands this war. With what I have been able to deduce, I agree at least some of the goals behind this war: free the people of Iraq and depose Saddam Hussein.

Its nice to be able to label things good or bad. It makes things easy to reward, explain, prove, rationalize, compartmentalize and dehumanize, but nothing is that simple. War can't be that easy. Life isn't that easy. People are dying to further their goals or the goals of people they trust. Regardless of the situation, I'm sure that every side is certain they are in the right.

I'm not sure how I ended up on this train of thought, but here I am. Labels, are they the root of all evil? Maybe... Label me and suddenly I cease to be an individual who should be judged on my own merits. Now I'm an synonymous with a larger entity with a history over which I have no control over, but is attributed to me simply because I have been labeled as a part of it. Are we all just a bunch of labels? What happens if the labels have conflicting messages? Are we assumed to be the worse in any given situation? Do we run around with a rolodex of labels for the people we meet to label us from? Or is it the other way around? Do we run around with a rolodex of labels that we use to put the people we meet into easy slots? If we rely on labels, don't we risk missing out on what people really are? If I assume your history based on a label, how much of a chance do I have of being right? What do I miss out on? Do I even have a chance to get to know you?

Is there a difference between labels and different aspects of the same person? We have a different relationship with each person we interact with. Is each person's perception of me simply a view from a different angle? In that case, do you need to get a view of that person from everyone's individual interpretation, before you can know the whole person? What happens when the person we show the world is a mask over our true feelings? Who are we seeing? Who are we then?

Its not even Friday yet and there I go asking questions... A few more than five, (laugh) I think I'll refrain from sending them to the Friday Five. These would probably be best pondered over a good bottle of wine, shared with a table of friends.

Its been a long week. It was a long week on Tuesday... I woke up and was certain that it was Wednesday morning. No such luck. I've decided to take tomorrow off as a mental health day. Officially, I'll be on vacation, but I plan to spend the day doing nothing to do with work. That may not seem like a big thing, but once I decided to take the day off, I realized that I'll probably be doing some reading or coding over the weekend for work anyway. Why do I feel like I have to take a day off during the week in order to take a break? Its almost like I have to justify not working on the weekends. Any more unless I take both Friday and Monday as vacation days, I'll find myself working at least once over the weekend. I need to find another hobby. Maybe then I'll be better able to leave my work at work.

The rambling continues. That's quite enough for one night. Goodnight. I may sleep in tomorrow. I don't have to go to work...

Well, I didn't actually sleep in on Friday morning, I went to the gym instead, but I really did take the day off and didn't do any work. I did manage to get into the day spa for a personal treat. I caught up with a few friends Friday night and was pleasantly surprised that the "manly men" actually wanted to see Chicago. I didn't even suggest it, because I assumed they would balk at the idea. Of course neither of them wanted it said too loud what we were going to see, they managed to get into the theater, even if they wouldn't sit by each other. I can think of worse ways to spend an evening...

I did something this weekend that I don't remember doing in years. I spent Saturday evening with friends and some of us ended up at an all night restaurant talking and laughing until we noticed that the sky was getting lighter and dawn was on the way. I've come to the conclusion that being too serious can make you crazy. It is having fun that makes things work. I need to remember more often that I work to support the rest of my life, instead of life being work.

This year I am going to have more fun and let my hair down more often. I used to look for ways to have fun and I'm going to remember how to do that again.

If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly in those moments. - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

When all things are said and done, I'd like to be able to say that I have no regrets based on a fear of trying something new.

Warning a tired brain is a dangerous thing. What is home?

Is it a physical place? When asked where am I from, I know the answer to the question. I am from the place where I was born. That is the same place I lived and was raised. I don't think of the physical place as home.

When asked where I live, I have an address. A place where more often than not I "hang my hat". My pets and things reside there, this is where I can hide and lock things outside. I'm not sure if this is home either.

So is home the people who surround you? I was never so homesick, as when my baby sister went back our parent's house after spending a month with me. It was like my heart was breaking to be cut off. My sisters feel like home. My brothers do as well, but in a different way. Maybe because they are male and "wired" slightly differently. Maybe my sisters fell so familiar because we come from the same place and have been raised with the same/similar influences. Maybe that's not home, but rather someone who is like me.

I don't yearn to visit the place my parents call home, but I do miss the people. It may seem weird, but after my parents sold the house I grew up in and moved to another house, I've never felt really comfortable there. I know I'm welcome, but I don't know which boards creak on the stairs. I don't have memories as far back as I can remember of the places around the house, the yard, the neighborhood. Maybe I need that solid physical presence, maybe I need to know it will be there 2 years from now. Living in an apartment isn't conducive to painting the walls and developing your personalities in lasting ways on your surroundings. Maybe I need to make my surrounding more reflective of me and less neutral. To be able to make permanent changes in color beyond what can be hung on the walls, that may be why I don't "feel" home.

I guess for now home is the people I have in my life who make me feel free to just be me.

This song has been running through my head all day. It is one of my favorites and really expresses what I think true friendship is about.

You've Got A Friend
When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

-- Carole King

Saw my favorite little person last night. Her mother (Necess1ty) and I work together. We used to live together while she and her Hubby worked things out. I miss getting to see Invention everyday. She's like a niece to me. Part of the people I think of as my family away from family. Anyway, her mom is in a deadline crunch and her dad was off to a concert so Invention and I went off to catch a movie. She's such a bundle of pure kid. Plus as an added bonus I got to tuck her in when we I dropped her back off at home. A nice way to end the day...

I find myself thinking about things in general and what I want out of people in my life. I recently took a chance and wrote to someone that I haven't had contact with in four or five years, but has never been far from my thoughts. I never knew why we fell out of touch, I always assumed it was me. I've never been good at keeping up with people who move away (or when I relocate). The exception to that pattern is my closest friends. What didn't seem right about the time was that no one moved away, it was like she needed to go through something and I couldn't be a part of it. Sensing that I couldn't be there, I felt like I had to let her go, silently wish her well and pray that wind would lift her to the heights which I knew she was destined to ascend.

It may seem weird that this person should refuse to leave my thoughts, but I've always been drawn to her strength and the honesty with which she approaches the things in her life. It may be that part of what drew me to her is that I have never felt that I needed to be anything other than myself to be accepted when we were together. A (slightly) obsessive compulsive person with an over developed sense of personal responsibility is not someone who lets their guard down easily. Am I well prepared? Yes. Am I completely relaxed on a normal basis? Not on your life. It is a rare experience for me to feel free to let down all the barriers and just exist without fear of judgment and criticism. So when I find with whom I feel that at ease with almost immediately, that person is someone that I will feel extremely comfortable being around. Couple that with the fact that I've rarely seen such a completely honest person and that may explain why I felt a connection.

I had been hoping to be able to reconnect with her, but feared rejection. My assumption remained that something caused her to need to move on with her life, so for a long time I simply kept those feelings of acceptance in a special place to pull out when I needed them.

She wrote back and we've exchanged a few emails. I am hopeful and looking forward to reconnecting. If the time is right, maybe we will be able to reconnect. If it isn't then I have no regrets about reaching out to her. It was something I needed to do for myself. I've missed her and I needed to tell her that. No regrets, just hope...

For 40 days every Spring, my friends are reminded that I’m Catholic. Not because I talk about God or try and entice them to join me for Mass, rather because on Fridays I have an added dietary restriction. No meat on Fridays… It’s not that big of a deal and since seafood isn’t considered “meat”, it’s relatively easy to find something that is acceptable. After living down here for more than five years, it almost seems like an afterthought once I request cheese pizza or that we go somewhere that has fish on the menu. Almost like they are thinking, “Oh, is it Lent again?”

This year for Lent, I didn’t give anything up. This year I’m trying to work on me. Last year was really hard and it turns out the last part of the year was spent fighting with myself. I’ve known for a while that I was susceptible to season depressions. It took me until college to finally realize that when the skies were gray in Ohio, I would have a harder time concentrating and as a result, my Winter quarters weren’t my best times as far as grades were concerned. It is no longer a question of whether or not I am susceptible to depression. I am. So I am dealing with coming to terms with that as my exercise during Lent. Today is Good Friday and I am aware that I have only just begun to learn what is ahead for me to do. This has become my self-improvement project for the year.

Today is Easter. A day for new beginnings. The sun is out after a rather dull and drizzly couple of days. It is nice a rather peaceful sitting out on my porch. Brewser and Neko are out here with me. The breeze is light. Birds are singing. There is either a toad or a frog hanging around here who is occasionally adding his voice to the sounds around us. A nice and relaxing time.

This weekend was fun. My arm is sore from helping to paint for two days, but it was nice to hang out with friends and create. Not that we did anything fancy, but with four adults, two smaller helpers and a tiny little dog named Sophie, we were able to redecorate the hall railing, refinish a set of furniture, add a chair rail to the master bedroom and paint the room. It looks very nice and it was fun to work with my hands. I don't think I'm ready to give up my day job, but it was a nice change of pace. Top that off with hanging out with some new friends until all hours of the morning and you have a rather pleasant and relaxing weekend.

I was reminded last night (technically this morning), that my personality appears to be a rather weird mix. When I first meet people, I am extremely reserved. Once I get to know them, I tend to relax and allow myself to show through. Apparently upon reflection, it is almost like meeting two different people. I'm hoping that by continuing to use my journal here that I will be able to bring those two people closer together.

I’ve recently been pulled into two projects in order to help the people originally assigned to them make sure they get done on time. I was told that my help was needed on the first one because the guy who was leading it was getting overwhelmed. This project just needs someone to make sure all the angles are covered and I can help him make sure that happens.

The second project was a rather big surprise. It was assigned to someone last November and has a deadline of 4/30. We found out last week that the developer assigned can’t finish in time. Add to that, the fact that they quite obviously didn’t think through the customer’s requirements and had yet to address a major data consistency issue. I wanted to reach out to smack him upside the head when he told me that he knew a guy who knew a guy who could run a report to get the data reconciled. The project is due next week and he still hadn’t thought about any of it. It’ll get done; I’ll make sure it gets done. There isn’t any other option, if we don’t deploy the tool, we won’t be on track to pass the audit. Not passing the audit is not an option.

On a happier note, I had a ball playing volleyball tonight. My serve was ON. I was able to start the game serving and managed to serve for 10 points before the other team managed to get a sideout. The bad news is they came back and we lost he game, but we did win the second game. I'm not fond of the concept of rally scoring for volleyball. It may be okay, but it isn't what I'm used to.

I have always had a thing about trying to find out more about why I am the way I am and why I think the way I do. Don't get me wrong, I like me and I'm comfortable with me, but sometimes I seem to puzzle people, so it's almost like I'm trying to figure out how other people see me so that I can relate better with others.

What to know more about what makes me tick? I was given the privilege to being involved in a rather extensive set of Leadership classes. As a result, I have had the opportunity to take part in multiple self assessment workshops. If you would dare...

I'm finding the exercise of writing here to be an adventure. I realized this morning that by putting my thoughts in this format that I have removed one of the biggest issues that I've always had with opening up to people. If you (the reader) don't want to read something, you have complete control over whether or not you finish and I'll never know. Okay so if someone feels strongly about something I've written, my email address is right there for you to send me an email. Guess what, in the same way that you can close your browser if you no longer, I have control over my inbox. I can delete things that I am not interested in reading or keeping. The theme: I control my inbox and you control your browser, so we both win. Plus I find I am less sensitive to what people say about what I write then I am when trying to speak openly with people I am not completely comfortable around. I'm okay getting feedback, I just prefer to be able to digest it on my own time and then decide what to do with it, without being watched.

I’m in the process of moving all my web files from my RoadRunner account to the new domain (www.redjenosu.com) I’ve had set up. Now that I’ve moved my journal to the Moveable Type set up, I’m no longer pleased with the rest of the page layouts. Sigh. I guess that means I’ll be working on fixing them up in the near future as well.

First - Duplicate all the content from previous site to new site. [Done]

Second - I have to get the redirects onto the old website so that I don’t have to send out email telling everyone I’ve suddenly changed addresses. [Done]

Third - See if anyone notices... [Done]

I spoke to my Mom on Easter. It wasn’t the conversation that I was expecting to have. I found myself telling her that not only had I been seeing a counselor to help treat my depression, but also that I’d agreed to start taking medication for it as well. I’ve known since before I was 10 that her mother was bipolar (manic-depressive). I have very vivid memories of my grandmother when I was young. I remember her coming to stay live with us for a while. I remember visiting her in various hospitals around Ohio. I knew that depression can be hereditary, but I didn’t realize just how far back into my family history it went. From our talk, I learned that my grandmother remembers her grandmother going through unexplained spells of what was depression or bipolar episodes. That is five generations. That is a lot to fight alone.

Odd duck may be an accurate description of my relations. I’ve always felt that way with my extended family, especially my mother’s side, but at the same time I envy some of their closeness and the ease with which they seem to bond with other people. I’ve never been able to do that. I want to know what type of a person I am getting involved with before I devote a bunch of energy to a relationship. I want to know if they are the kind of person I will be able to relate to and trust before I open up. I wonder if this reluctance to open up is tied into my intense fear of failure. Am I so scared of failing at relationships that I analyze them to death before I’m willing to try one out? It may be that I am scared of being judged as lacking and therefore spend a lot of time observing the other person’s behavior to see how they act and react with others before allowing them to have that kind of sway over my feelings.

Now that I've typed my lunch hour away, I think I can focus on getting back to work...

Why is it that when I need to be super productive, my body says nap time? Two projects with milestones due on Wednesday, I’ll be coding this weekend to get them done on time. No date slipping allowed for either of these, so sleep may have to be sacrificed for a time.

I feel like I’ve accepted an exchange student for the summer. As of last night, I offered to let a co-op from Arizona come and rent out my second bedroom while she’s here in Raleigh. She’ll be working with my team, so it makes some sort of sense and without a car of her own, as long as I go into the office she can go too without any problems. There are some rather bizarre similarities between the two of us so far. We are both the oldest of five kids, we have two brothers and two sisters in the same order (girl, boy, boy, girl, girl), Catholic, youngest sister is 12, and Mathematics majors in college. Really crazy and it all happened yesterday.

That’s about all I know at this point, my former manager has met her and says she is great. Tall and Hawaiian is my working description at this point. She’s about the same age as my middle sister, so we should be fine. Worst-case scenario, it is only for three months. Best-case I have a ready-made beach buddy for the summer.

What is it about rainy Saturday’s that makes you want to curl up in bed and read all day? I didn’t, but that’s about all I can claim so far for the day. If I’m going to be done by the time my summer roommate gets here, I need to get started sorting and empting out the closest in my guest room. It needs to be done anyway, but I just don’t want to do it. This is procrastination at its best.

I did manage to finish moving my old site to this new format. When I replaced my journal format, little did I realize that rewriting my site would become a crusade. I had a scare this morning when I was looking for some of the poetry I had on the old site. I feared that I had lost two rather large poems and I wasn’t sure if I still knew where the tablets I had originally written them were stored. Not to worry, I found a backup copy of the files.

Tomorrow looks to be a fun day; the weather is supposed to be partly cloudy and 75 degrees. I’m going to Chapel Hill’s Apple Chill with Necess1ty, Invention and Hubby.

After so long, I was reminded today of what it feels like to simply feel happy for no particular reason. Spring shouted, “I’m here!” and I heard all the way to my toes. My projects aren’t done, so it wasn’t relief in being finished. I didn’t go to sleep feeling joy. I didn’t wake up feeling particularly happy. Nothing I can control changed from yesterday, but as soon as I went outside and felt the wind and sun against my face, my mood lifted and I laughed in pure joy.

With that thought, I’m going to sleep.

... From This or That Tuesday

1. Lying down on the couch, or stretching out on a recliner?
Lying down on the couch, less liking to get flipped?
2. Going barefoot or wearing soft slippers?
Barefoot, I spent too many years as a lifeguard?
3. Eating ice cream, or pizza?
Pizza
4. Watching on TV...a classic movie or a reality show?
Classic movie
5. Wearing: blue jeans or sweat pants?
Blue Jeans, unless painting
6. A long, soothing bubble bath or a quick, invigorating shower?
Bubble bath
7. Furniture: leather, or something more on the fuzzy side?
Leather
8. Soft, classical music, or upbeat rock & roll?
Depends on my mood, they both have their place
9. Darkness or light?
Twilight
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You get married, or otherwise begin cohabitating with a significant other. S/he moves into your place, but brings with them the UGLIEST chair you have ever seen! You really don't want this thing in your home, but SO says it is the most comfy chair s/he has ever sat in, and no way will they part with it. Do you: grin and bear it, or scheme to get rid of the monstrosity somehow?
Can you say slipcover? If I can?t get rid of it, I can disguise it?