So I thought I?d met a halfway decent guy online, although being the control freak that I am, I wasn?t going to move very quickly. My idea of fun does not include meeting strangers in my home or theirs the first time. I was figuring that if we were going to meet, it would be in coffee shops or movie theatres the first four or five times.
We started talking online Sunday evening, talked on Monday and Tuesday evening, got creeped out as a result of the whole three day conversation and sent him email saying thanks, but no thanks on Wednesday evening. I also went out of my way in the email to tell him the real reasons behind my decision to break things off.
I?m new to the whole online dating scene. I?ve never felt inclined to give it a whirl, but figured what the heck, I?ll give it a try and see what happens. I didn?t want to be false with anyone, so I was very specific in what I was looking for. I also didn?t want this guy to think that I was just blowing him off for no reason.
There were a few things each time we chatted that caused me to have reservations. Sunday night after IM-ing for about half an hour (our first conversation), he sent me his phone number and suggested I call him then and talk. I told him that I needed to go to sleep, but then countered with an offer to call him the next evening. He tried five times to get me to call him, after I said I?d call between 7:30 and 8:00.
On Monday, while I was at work, he IM-ed me asking if I?d call him later. I told him that I would call like I?d promised. So, when I finished with work on Monday night I called, like I said I would. Imagine that, I did what I promised. So we chatted for quite a while. There were a few red flags that went up. He?s divorced, his ex-wife is crazy and he recently lost his job. For someone who claims to not want drama, he sure seemed to have it in spades. He also had a tendency to push toward inappropriate subjects rather quickly. I?m not saying that they were subjects that wouldn?t ever be okay, not what I?d see as appropriate for someone you are talking to for the first time and hadn?t ever met. At one point he said, ?(He) like to work on diesel engines, so (he) ?could tinker with (me) and (my) car.? For some reason, I saw this as a bit weird, but I let the comments drop, figuring that I should give him a chance and chalking it up to him trying too hard. We finished our conversation and made plans for him to call me the next night.
I was IM-ing with another friend who had also put a personal ad on Monday when we put 2 and 2 together, realizing that he had sent ?introductions? to both of us. It didn?t take too long to figure out, since he used the same opening line. The thing is, we put out personal ads, we are fairly close to the same age and we live in the same city, if someone was looking for a single female in our city it isn?t that hard to believe that they would pull both of us up on a search. I wasn?t worried about it and I didn?t see anything to be concerned over either.
Tuesday morning I checked my email to find a message from him saying he urgently needed to talk with me. It turns out that he realized that morning that he?d ?introductions? to my friend and me. He wanted to tell me what he?d done before anyone else did and ensure me that he wasn?t a ?player?. The annoying thing was that it seemed like nothing I said could convince him that I wasn?t upset with him over it. Surprise, I?m not dumb, it was a PERSONAL AD!
Tuesday evening I ended up working a little late and was walking into the door when he called. He asked what I was up to and I told him I?d just walked in the door. Rather than try to talk when I was getting settled, he offered to call back in a few minutes. This was definitely a good move on his part, I appreciated that he was being so considerate. While we were on the phone, the Chinese food I had ordered for dinner arrived. The thing was he then tried to invite him self over to join me for the evening. Again, saying ?no? once wasn?t enough. He made me do it multiple times.
So what?s so bad about all this? Nothing is horrible, but a lot of it raises red flags with me. Along with the annoying habit he seems to have of constantly repeating himself as if saying it multiple times would make it truer. Of course the fact that I told him initially that I believed him didn?t seem to have any affect on this behavior pattern. For the record, I find this behavior beyond annoying and combined with the other issues he had that didn?t match what I was looking for, such as being divorced, having a psycho ex-wife and being unemployed. After thinking about this for a day, I came to the conclusion that this wasn?t the relationship that I?m looking for, but I wanted to give him the courtesy of being straight with him.
So I wrote and sent this email to him Wednesday night:
| His Name,
I?m having a hard time trying to decide what I want to tell you. To be honest, I really enjoyed talking to you on Monday night, but Tuesday was something different all together. While I realize that you may feel that I am difficult to get information out of, I really do ask exactly what I want to know. I keep coming back to the fact that I have a hard time accepting that you appear to assume the worst case and then beat things to death with repetition. To be honest, it didn?t bother me at all that you had sent a message to my friend prior to sending one to me. It was grating that you repeated multiple times that you are not a player and that you didn?t want me to get the wrong idea. I told you the first time that I appreciated that you told me that you had contacted her. Your repetition led me to fear that further conversation would be a repeat performance. I?ve done the relationship where I am constantly reassuring the other person that I really do mean what I say. I?m not looking for a repeat. Trying to push for time is another thing I found bothersome. The first night we chatted online, the fact that you asked me to call you five more times Sunday after I told you the first time that I needed to sign off and had already promised to call Monday evening. One more I can understand, but five is excessive. To be honest, inviting yourself over to my house last night, when we?d never even met in public was rather creepy. There are many things about you that I like. You seam to be very straightforward and aware of what you want out of a long-term relationship. It is my assumption that you really want to be in a relationship and it is good to know what you want. Unfortunately, I?m not willing to go nearly as quickly as you seem inclined. I know that I have a very low tolerance for people who feel the need to repeat themselves as if they are trying to convince me of something. Either I believe it or I don?t, repeating it won?t change my mind. To me this type of behavior is about the same as someone trying to win a debate by raising their voice. I don?t miss much and this is something I know drives me insane. I had hoped that Sunday?s repeated request to call was a one-time thing, but Tuesday really made me fear I was wrong. It is for these reasons that have decided not to pursue a further relationship with you. I wish you all the best in your quest to find that special someone. I have the feeling that once you find her, you will treat her like a queen and she will be a very lucky woman. Jen |
I haven?t heard anything from him since I sent that to him, so I figured that was the end of it and we could all be adults. Well it turns out he didn?t see it the same way. On Christmas, he sent this to my friend:
| hope you had a good weekend your friend never gave me a chance ..shame she is soo Judgemantal... His Name |
Her response:
| Hmmm .... she's the most non-judgmental person I know, strange you don't see her the same way. Also, small hint, part of her issue with you was the drama from minute one. You sending me this message is proof positive she did the right thing. Merry Christmas to you as well and a small suggestion ... for your New Year?s resolution you may want to consider taking it down a notch for the coming year. The drama I mean ... it would likely help you accomplish your other goals. Have a good one. Oh, and no more messages please. Thanks! |
Does it end there? Nope, he responded?
| How mean of you to send me some thing like this...I was never even given a chance....a.k.a...pass Judgement...I guess you have to lie to a woman and not be honset to win one.... |
And her reply:
| Um, yeah, your opinion is a bit biased. You want to talk about mean, you trashed my friend to me. That's not just mean, it's stupid. And she did give you a chance, and you blew it by being stupid. And if you want to tell the next person that I'm judgmental ... well, it goes with being a virgo so I wear the badge proudly. I hereby judge you stupid. Now leave me alone before I report you to the harassment bot. |
As far as I know, the harassment bot hasn?t been brought into this, but this makes me glad I didn?t waste any more time on this one.
This fish was just too something, at least I know my instincts are on target?
Time to see what else is out there?
Comments (1)
For future reference...people in general and especially most of those posting to personal ads on the web are not looking for constructive criticism during the "get to know you" phase. While I totally agree with you and understand your motives (being a similar sort of person who really wants to know the how's and why's behind everything) I suggest you don't waste your time next time. Just send out a "thanks for the chat, you seem really nice, I have decided that I am a Lesbian and an axe murderer" note next time at the first sign of trouble. ;-)
Posted by Necess1ty | December 30, 2003 10:39 PM
Posted on December 30, 2003 22:39